Silly Quotes

[Ardice]

Dang, I shouldn't have read this topic....now I must go searching through saved emails for all those funny lines....

 

Okay, here you go

 

 

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

 

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

 

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

 

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

 

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

 

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

 

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

 

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

 

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

 

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

 

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

 

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

 

My reality check bounced.

 

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

 

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

 

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

 

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

 

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

 

Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous'.

 

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

 

To err is human; to forgive is not our policy.

 

Duct tape is like 'the force,' It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

 

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

 

I am in shape. Round's a shape...

 

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

 

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

 

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Canadians is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

 

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

 

 

 

Okay, I'm going to stop there... Enjoy!

[Smokin']

"There is No 'I' in team"

 

"But then there's no 'I' in 'Useless Smug colleague' either. But there are four in 'Platitude Quoting Idiot'. Go figure."

 

It's the only possible answer....

[Unglef]

"I never met an animal that didn't taste good with gravy."

 

"Holy Crap! I think I just passed a woodchuck!"

 

-The above two are mine. The following all come from the great sage Carlin:

 

 

"I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed."

 

"A small town is any place too poor to have its own insane asylum."

 

"Aluminum is a jive metal."

 

"There are only two places in the world: over here and over there."

 

"You rarely meet a wino with perfect pitch."

 

"I never watch 'Sesame Street'; I know most of that stuff."

 

"Why is it the other side of the street always crosses the street when I do?"

 

"Why are there no recreational drugs taken in suppository form?"

 

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."

 

"Never tell a Spanish maid you want everything spic-and-span."

 

"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life."

 

"It is bad luck to kill a dog with a cooking spoon."

 

"Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming."

 

"Always do whatever's next."

[eastman]

as a friend of mine used to say "experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted"

[Reaperbryan]

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

 

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

 

She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

 

"What the hell was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!

 

Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you

 

Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you .

 

I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

 

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

 

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

 

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

 

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

 

Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

 

I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ..

 

let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you

 

it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

 

Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

 

So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a h**ker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

 

it's really good pay.

[Spartan6]

[Lady Tam]

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

 

Ahhh, I see the screw up fairy has visited us again.

 

Don't believe everything you think.

 

Eat right, excersise...die anyway.

 

Finish your beer...there are sober people in China.

 

Forty isn't old....if your a tree.

 

If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

 

LT

[Qwyksilver]

Finish your beer...there are sober people in China.

Where the heck was that little platitude when I was a kid???

[Lady Tam]

Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional

 

God mudt really love stupid people, he made so many!

 

If only closed minds came with closed mouths.

 

Earth first. We will strip mine the others later.

 

Heavily sedated for your safety

 

I took a pain pill, why are you still here?

 

I am not tense, I am terribly, terribly alert.

 

LT

[benhamtroll]

When the winds of change blow hard enough, even the most trivial of items can be turned into deadly projectiles.

 

Winners never quit, and quitters never win. But if you never win, and never quit, you're an idiot.

 

"I like my coffee the way I like my women . . ." "Bitter?" (Actual quote from the game table, after my friend grabbed a cup of coffee from the pot that had been stewing all day)

 

This is a quote from one of my Customer Services Reps at work. He was new on the floor, and was trying to set up an account. He was getting flustered: "All right, umm . . . well . . . Sex, please? Oh! No, your sex, ma'am! Oh! That's right, you're a woman!" You have to imagine it in a smooth Tennessee accent . . .

 

And the slogan designed to offend everyone: Nuke the Gay Whales for Jesus.

[Qwyksilver]

And the slogan designed to offend everyone: Nuke the Gay Whales for Jesus.

I've seen that as a bumper sticker, but it was Baby Seals, not whales.

[tberry7403]

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, "Why me?," then a voice answers, "Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up."

 

Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Nice doggy.", while reaching for a big rock.

 

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!"?

 

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.

 

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

 

He could think in italics. Such people need watching.

 

In a million universes this is a very short book.

 

Just because someone's a member of an ethnic minority doesn't mean they're not a nasty, small-minded, little jerk.

 

Real children don't go hoppity-skip unless they are on drugs.

 

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

 

Over the centuries, mankind has tried many ways of combating the forces of evil... prayer, fasting, good works and so on. Up until "DOOM", no one seemed to have thought about the double-barrel shotgun.

 

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an accident, it makes you wonder about history.

 

I'd give Charles Darwin videotapes of "Geraldo", "Beavis and Butt-head" and "The McLaughlin Group". I would be interested in seeing if he still believes in evolution.

 

Politics is supposes to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that is bears a very close resemblance to the first.

 

If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be research.

[Orchid_Noir]

I like the new one I picked up for my signature yesterday.

 

 

(I figure you can just look down there )

[vejlin]

If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be research.

I love this one

[TaleSpinner]

"It's like trying to smell the color nine." - Chris Rice

 

"Best movie of the year!" - advertised on January 2.

 

TS