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Have you heard this one?


Lady Tam
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OK, I hope this one makes it past the webmaster ;-):

 

Goldilocks revisited:

 

Once upon a time, there were three bears living in a great forest, father bear, mother bear and little baby bear. One day, the three bears went off into the forest. When they came home in the evening, something was not right.

 

"Someone's been drinking my whiskey," growled the Papa bear.

 

"Someone's been listening to my Frank Sinatra record," said the Mama bear and

 

"Someone's been eating my chily beans, and they ate them all up!" cried the Baby bear.

 

That´s when they heard a bewildering noise coming from a little mouse hole in the wall:

 

"Shhtraangers in the night * hick * * fart *".

 

I find this one kinda cute ;-).

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An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20 th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building. The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping, too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The blond opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me." she said. "He makes his own lunch."

 

LT

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

“Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad”

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

“Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I Buried the BODIES. Love, Bubba”

At 4 A.M. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

“Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Bubba.”

 

LT

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A man enters the confession cubicle and the priest is waiting patiently. Man: Good morning father. Priest: Good morning my son. How can I help you ? Man: Father I am asking you to pray for me for I have sinned. It has been three months since my last confession. These are my sins.... I have stolen a rope . . . That's all father, I am sorry and I am asking for forgiveness. Priest: Well then, you have to return the rope to its rightful owner and for your penance say one Our Father. Go now, your sins are forgiven. Man: But ... Father ..... There was a cow at the end of the rope.

 

LT

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In case you need more proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

 

On a hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (of course, it's "just" a suggestion).

On dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

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One day, a blonde was swerving back and forth across the road in her car. So when the police see her swerving, they pull her over. The Police Officer says, "Why are you swerving back and forth?" The blonde says, "I am trying to keep from crashing into trees." So the officer steps into her car and looks forward to the road. Then he replies... "Ma’am, there are no trees, that’s just your air freshener!"
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A woman's perfect breakfast: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet

coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the

cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her

husband is on the back of the milk carton.

LT

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A little old lady is working in her garden and finds a bottle.  She takes the cork out and a genie appears.  He says she can have three wishes.  She points to her small house and says "Make it a castle."  The genie does this.  She points to herself and says "Make me a beautiful princess."  The genie does it.  She points to her cat and says "Make him a handsome prince."  The genie does it.  The prince looks at his princess and says "Bet you're mad you got me fixed."
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<font color='#8D38C9'>A woman's perfect breakfast: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet

coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the

cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her

husband is on the back of the milk carton.

LT</font>

 

 

::o:

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A beautiful bonde dressed elegantly approaches a craps table in Las Vegas. She looks at the dealer and says, " I would like to bet $10,000 on one roll please."

The Dealer calls the pit boss over and she gets permission for the bet. " If you don't mind I feel luckier when nude." The dealer and pit boss look at each other and nod. She promptly undresses, picks up the dice, rattles them and tosses. She screams excitedly, collects her winnings and gown then disapears into the crowd.

 

" Wha'd she roll?" the dealer asked the pit boss.

 

" I dunno, I thought you were watching." He replied.

 

 

::D:

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