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Have you heard this one?


Lady Tam
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You know you were born and raised in a smalltown when.....

 

-during a storm you check on the cattle before you check on the kids

-You are related to more than half the town

-You can tell the difference between a horse and a cow from a distance

-your car bearks down outside of town and news of it gets back to town

before you do

-without thinking you wave at all oncoming traffic

-you don't buy your vegatables at the grocery store

-you don't put too much into a hairstyle due to wind and weather

-there's a tornado warning and the whole town is outside watching for it

-the local gas station sell live bait

-you go to the state far for your family vacation

you get up at 5:30 and go down to the local coffee shop

-your on first name basis with the county shreriff

-you have the number of the Co-Op on speed dial

-all your radio-preset buttons are country

-using the elevator involves a grain truck

-your mayor is also you garbage hauler, barber and insurance salesman

-you can tell it's a farmer working late in his feild an not a U.F.O.

-you know you should listen to the weather forcast before picking an outfit

-you call the wrong number and talk for hours anyway

-your excuse for getting out of school is that the cow got out

-you know cow pies aren't made of beef

-you know the difference between feild corn and sweet corn when they are

still on the stock

-you know the code names for everyone on the CB

-you can eat an ear of corn with no utensils in under 20 seconds

-you wear boots to church

-you can tell the smell of a skunk and a feedlot apart

-the meaning of true live is that you'll ride in the tractor with him

-your main drag in town is two blocks long

-you go to Wal-mart for your Sat. shopping

 

LT

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New virus's to look out for!

 

Ronald Regan virus - saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

Lewinsky virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer then e-mails

about what it did

Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two Bytes

Oprah Winfrey Virus - your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB

then slowly expands to 200 MB

Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus - Deletes all old files

Titanic Virus (A strain of Lewinsky Virus) Your whole computer goes down (but

I think "We Go On")

Disney Virus - everything on your computer goes Goofy

Prozac Virus - screws up your RAM, but your pocessor doesn't care

Joey Buttafuco Virus - Only attacks monir files

Lorena Bobbit Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then

discards it through Windows

 

LT

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You know you live in the country when:

 

- You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

 

- At least one piece of your vehicle is attached with bayling wire. pro. "bay'lin war"

 

- Your only mildly surprised that there's a deer or the neighbors cow in your yard.

 

- You hate being the passenger because you have to open the gates.

 

- You've chased off a 'possum because he keeps eating the dogs food.

 

- You know what a hedge-apple is.

 

- You know what a Morton building is.

 

- You come home and find tomatoes on your porch and don't question how they got there.

 

- You've drank anything from a mason jar.

 

- You know what a John Deere B model is.

 

- " Going to town " is a big deal.

 

- You've ever had a " rat killin' "

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After twenty-three years of practice, a gynecologist decided that the stress of his profession was too much. So he quit, but not being ready to retire, he decided to take a course in car mechanics. He enrolled in the local vocational-technical school that offered a mechanic's course and began his study. At the end of the course he has to demonstrate his skill for his intructor. Nervous about his performance, he was surprised when the instructor awarded him 150 percent.

 

"Why did you give me 150 percent?" He asked

"The instructor replied, "Well, first I gave you 50 percent for dissaembling the engine correctly and then 50 percent for ressembling the engine correctly, and another 50 percent for doing it all through the muffler."

 

LT

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A European woman is on a ship heading south. The captain comes up to her and says, "we're nearing the equator." she asks to borrow his binoculars so she can see the line. Amused, he agrees. She looks through the binoculars and exclaims, "I can't see the line!" the captain plucks a single hair from her head and holds it in front of the lenses and asks if she can see it now. She says, "yes! And there's elephants jumping on it!"

 

She had fleas, see, because she's european...

 

I got nothin'.

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A young woman with puurple hair styled into a punk-rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing burst into the ER complaining of abdominal pain. The ER attending quickly determined that the patient had acute apendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed with amusement that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo that said "Keep of the grass". Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the grass."

 

True nursing story gang!

LT

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Caffeine is my Shepherd

 

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.

It maketh me to wake in the lecture hall, It leadeth me beyond the sleeping

mases. It restoreth my buzz.

It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for it's name's sake.

Yea, though I walk throught the valley of the shadow of addiction,

I will fear no decaf.

For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.

Thou prepaest a tall latte before me in the presence of fatigue.

Thou anoitest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.

Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life:

and I will dwell in the House of Java forever.

 

LT

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A friend sent me this as an e-mail and it made me chuckle. Had to share.

 

The Bill of Non-Rights

 

The following has been attributed to State

Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA.

 

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an

attempt to help everyone get along, restore some

semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our

nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the

blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our

great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more

time to ordain and establish some common sense

guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden,

delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold

these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of

people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so

dim they require a Bill of NO Rights."

 

 

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big

screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to

you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is

guaranteeing anything.

 

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be

offended. This country is based on freedom, and that

means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may

leave the room, turn the channel, express a different

opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and

probably always will be.

 

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from

harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to

be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer

to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

 

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and

housing. Americans are the most charitable people to

be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we

are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation

after generation of professional couch potatoes who

achieve nothing more than the creation of another

generation of professional couch potatoes.

 

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health

care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public

housing, we're just not interested in public health

care.

 

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically

harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally

maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest

of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

 

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the

possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce

away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be

surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you

away in a place where you still won't have the right

to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

 

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All

of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly

help you along in hard times, but we expect you to

take advantage of the opportunities of education and

vocational training laid before you to make yourself

useful.

 

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness.

Being an American means that you have the right to

PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if

you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic

laws created by those of you who were confused by the

Bill of Rights.

(lastly....)

 

ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to change our

country's history or heritage. This country was

founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you

are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any

faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of

persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our

heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable

with it, TOUGH!!!!

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What makes 100%? In your office environment.

 

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

 

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

 

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

 

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

 

How about achieving 103%?

 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26,

then:

 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

= 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and,

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

=11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

 

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

=1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

=21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

 

and, look how far butt kissing will take you:

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

=1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

 

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

 

While Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will

get you there, Bullstuff and butt Kissing will put you over the top!

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Not sure if this one has been posted, but I just saw it on another board and cried...

 

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

 

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

 

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

 

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

 

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

 

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

 

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

 

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."

 

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird spoon!"

 

"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

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There is a knock on the paerly gates, St. Peter looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears.

 

A moment later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees then man, opens his moth to speak, but the man disappears once again.

 

"Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls after him, annoyed.

 

"No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They're trying to resucitate me."

 

LT

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