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Have you heard this one?


Lady Tam
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Gods I'm good.

 

Back in The Day, Procter and Gamble (paper products company) had a commercial about a late-middle-aged grocer who kept asking people not to 'Squeeze the Charmin' (supposedly, it was so light and fluffy for your keister that it would ruin the paper somhow).

 

Here is a quick URL explaining it a little more for you.

 

--LSH, older than dirt.

 

Post Script: Here is another site for your ganderings.

Edited by lstormhammer
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(I've been reading through these for the last ten minutes, laffin' my butt off!)

 

 

 

Billy and Bobby were twin brothers who on the morning of their tenth birthday came to the decision that they were now old enough to swear.

 

They agreed ahead of time. Billy would say "[email protected]" and Bobby would say "@ss".

 

They went down to breakfast in the usual way. Mother asked Billy what cereal he wanted.

 

"Gimme some [email protected] Cocoa-Comets!", replied Bily.

 

Father jumped up and ...SMAK! ...backhanded Billy across his mouth.

 

Mother then asked Bobby, "What kind of cereal do YOU want?", to which Bobby answered,...

 

"Well! You can bet your sweet @ss I don't want no [email protected] Cocoa-Comets!"

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WHY I WOULD RATHER WORK IN SICK BAY ON THE ENTERPRISE

 

- Regardless of species, the patient never has to be unressed or helped out of bed.

- The patient never need any I.V. lines, monitor cables, or tubes.

- The patient never needs fed or bthed.

- The patient never vomits ot defecates

- The patient will be cured at the end of forty-six minutes unless he or she expires in the first five minutes.

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This was sent to me in an e-mail, had to pass on!

 

"Look it's so obvious that VAMPIRE the Masquerade rips off GILIGAN'S ISLAND that most stupid people don't notice it. Let me explain. OK first there are the clans; the Ventrue is based on Mr. Howell, the Nosferatu his wife Lovey, Ginger is the Toreador, Mary-Ann is the Gangrel, the Professor is the Tremere, Skipper is the Brujah and of course Gilligan is a Malkavian. The Island that traps them and protects them is the Masquerade. See? It's a total rip-off!"

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Blind man walks into a bar, lead by a seeing eye dog. He reaches the middle of the bar, grabs the dog by the collar and starts swinging it around violently. The Bartender sees this and yells at the man "What the heck are you doing!" To which the blind man responds, "Just looking around."

 

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Pole are sailing down the Amazon when they are attacked by savage natives. The three are captured and taken back to the village. One of the natives comes up to the Frenchman and say to him “We will skin you alive, eat your flesh, and make a canoe out of your hide. Do you have any last requests?”

The Frenchman thinks about what he’s been told and then says “Can I have a knife?”

Shockingly, the natives give him a knife. After taking a moment to steel himself, the Frenchman yells out “Viva La France!” and then slits his own throat.

The native then comes up to the Englishman and say to him “We will skin you alive, eat your flesh, and make a canoe out of your hide. Do you have any last requests?”

The Englishman with out hesitation says “Can I have a knife?”

Again, the natives give him a knife. The Englishman yells out “God save the Queen!” and then slits his own throat.

The native then comes up to the Pole and say to him “We will skin you alive, eat your flesh, and make a canoe out of your hide. Do you have any last requests?”

The Pole thinks about it for a second, then asks “Can I have a fork?”

They bring him a fork. The Pole takes the fork, and quickly stabs himself repeatedly in the chest, yelling “[email protected]#$ YOUR CANOE”!

 

I'm Polish and I love that joke.

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A priest is taking confession when I man confides in him that he has been seeing a woman named Fanny Green for 1 week and has slept with her twice. He is sent away told he must recite 2 Hail Maries. Meanwhile the priest thinka to himself, "hmmmm, Fanny GReen, I don't think I've heard that name before. Ohh well."

 

The next day another man comes in and says "Father, I have been seeing a woman named Fanny Green for 1 month and I have slept with her 8 times." The priest sends him away telling him to recite 4 Hail Maries and 2 Our Fathers. Once again he wonders who this Fanny Green is.

 

The very next day a third man comes in saying " Father, for the last year I have been seeing a woman named Fanny Green, I have slept with her hundreds of times." The man is sent away told to recite 20 hail Maries and 20 Our Fathers. though now he is really intrigued about this woman Fanny Green. WHo could she possibly be?!

 

That very next sunday the priest is standing at the pullpit about to start his sunday service when the front doors of the church burst open and there enters the most beautifully stunning woman the priest has ever seen. She is wearing a green skirt, green shirt, green jacket, a green hat with a large green feather and green patent leather shoes. She looks around the church and smiles a lovely smile, then slowly walks right up to the front of the church and takesa seat directly in front of the priest.

The priest is stunned. "This MUST be Fanny Green" he thinks to himself. He leans over a little and whispers to one of the choir lads, "Is that Fanny Green?" The lad replies, "Ahhh no Father, I believe it's just the reflection from her shoes."

 

Sorry, I know, long and a little tasteless. It's an oldie that an old boss told me once!

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IN recent years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's disease research, leading one to wonder: By the year 2030, will there be a large number of people wandering around with big breast and erections who can't remember what to do with them?

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An elderly man looked out his back yard window at his favorite oak tree one morning and was startled too see a large monkey sitting in his tree! He went over to the phone book to look for someone to help take care of his problem and found the Acme Ape Catching Company, called them up right away.

 

Later that day a van pulled up with the company name on the side. A man got out, went to the back of the van and pulled out a 6' pole with a feather on the end of it, a bulldog on a leash, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

 

The man handed the gun to the old guy and explained what he was going to do.

 

"First I'm going to tie this bulldog at the bottom of your tree.

Next, i'm going climb to the limb right under the monkey.

Then, I'm going to to take this pole with the feather on it and as the monkey is hanging down swinging on his limb I'll tickle him under his arm.

He'll fall from the tree right in front of the bull dog, who will then bite him in the [email protected], at which point I slap the handcuffs on him while he is frozen in shock."

 

The old man looks at the gun in his hand and asks.. "So what is the gun for?"

 

The man replies "If I fall out of that tree I want you to shoot that dog."

 

ba dum dum

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