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Have you heard this one?


Lady Tam
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Okay another bad one :P

 

In the middle of a beautiful park stood a statue of a man and woman in a warm embrace on a bench. It stood there for years and years. One day a magical fairy came along and decided that they had been frozen in that embrace long enough, so she took out her magic wand and BAMF the two statues were real.

 

The fairy explained to them that the magic was only temporary, and that they had 1 hours to do whatever they wished.

 

The two ran off instantly into the bushes and sounds of pleasure floated up for an entire hour, causing the fairy to blush mightily as she waited for their time to end.

 

At the end of the hour the 2 lovers emerged looking quite rough and tumble indeed. The fairy was so overcome with their apparant desire for each other she granted them another hour.

 

Their faces lit up with delight and the woman said to the man..

 

"This time YOu hold the pigeon down while I poop on it".

 

(it's not my fault really.. blame my brother for this one)

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last one i can think of for now, and hopefully acceptable for content :)

 

A Kindergarten teacher has been working on the childrens senses and today they are going to focus on taste and flavors.

 

She gets each student a handful of multi-flavor life savors: strawberry, grape, and honey.

 

She tells each of the kids to put the red one in their mouth and tell her what the flavor is. One little girl in the front raises her hand and says it's strawberry.

 

Next she tells them to put the purple one in and tell her the flavor. A little boy raises his hand and says "grape".

 

Thirdly, she tells them to try the yellow one. No one raises their hand. She says "ok, I'll give you a hint.. It's what your mother calls your father."

 

Suddenly a boy in the back row shouts "Spit em out! They're @ssholes!!"

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<font color='#000000'>Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two.  One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly-colored machine tools.</font>

The answer I've always heard is: FISH!!!

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A ninety-two year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days ltter the doctor saw the man walking donw the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow-up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're doing great aren't you?"

 

The man replied, "Just following doctor's orders. You said 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

 

The doctor chuckled "I didn't say that at all. I said you got a heart mummer. be careful."

 

AND

 

 

I see you last worked at a psychiatrrist office,: said the employment agency director to the nurse. "Why did you leave?"

 

"well, " she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an Anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."

 

LT

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The atheist and the bear

========================

 

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,

admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had

created. What majestic trees! What powerful rivers!

What beautiful animals, he said to himself.

 

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a

rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look.

He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge toward him.

 

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked

over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closer. He

ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to

his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the

bear was even closer. His heart was pumping

frantically and he tried to run even faster.

 

He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to

pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him,

reaching for him with his left paw and raising his

right paw to strike him.

 

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!"

 

Time stopped.

 

The bear froze.

 

The forest was silent.

 

Even the river stopped moving.

 

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out

of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these

years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit

creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to

help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as

a believer?"

 

The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would

be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me

as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the

bear a Christian?"

 

"Very well," said the voice.

 

The light went out.

 

The river ran again.

 

And the sounds of the forest returned.

 

And then the bear dropped his right paw...brought both

paws together...bowed his head and spoke:

 

"Lord, for this food, which I am about to receive, I

am truly thankful, Amen

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We should create a "Devil's Dictionary" for miniature painters, with things like:

 

Primer: a solution applied to a miniature to reveal mold lines and other imperfections missed during the cleaning and construction process

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Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

 

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. . . must try this on their bed.

 

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. . . Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

 

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

 

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer.." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

 

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

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In town, there is a bar called H-e-l-l. A priest, a rabbi and a serial killer walk into the bar. The priest says to the bartender, "If you'll give me a free drink, I'll put a blessing on your bar to double the business." The bartender thinks, okay, what's the harm and gives the priest a drink. Immediately three more people walk in. The rabbi says, "That's nothing. Give me a free drink and I'll put a blessing on your bar to double the business again!" The bartender thinks, okay, what's the harm and gives the rabbi a drink. Immediately six more people walk into the bar. The bartender turns to the serial killer and says, "Well? what'll you offer me in exchange for a free drink?" The serial killer thought a moment, then stabbed the bartender in the throat, set the bar on fire and walked out.

 

(here it comes...)

 

The next day, the newspaper headline read, "Priest, Rabbi, Several others Burn In H-e-l-l"

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Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

 

1 I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

 

2 My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

 

3 I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

 

4 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

 

5 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

 

6 All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

 

7 If all is not lost, where is it?

 

8 It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

 

9 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

 

10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

 

11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

 

12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

 

13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

 

14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

 

15 It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

 

16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

 

17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

 

18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

 

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

 

20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

 

21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

 

23. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded...

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