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Have you heard this one?


Lady Tam
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not bonde jokes but still corny-

 

A string walks into a bar and tries to order a drink, the bar tender tells him he doesn't serve strings.  The string goes to the back of the bar, ties himself in a loop, and messes up his hair.  He walks back up to the bar and asks for a drink, the bartender replies," Hey, aren't you a string?".  "Nope, im a frayed knot," answers the string.

 

A man walks into a bar...ouch

 

Did you hear about the pretzel...as he was walking down the street he was assaulted ( works better when you say it so you dotn have t spell assault )

 

by the way, im new, hi

 

p.s. for anything to do with stand-up comedy im your man

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Hey Eddie, can you change the font colour please... that's a touch difficult to read. Thanks.

 

A Rhino walks into a bar.... OUCH!

 

A Rhino walks into a bar.... but the Puma walked underneath!

 

Sorry, a little CAV humour there :o)

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Another slightly longer one.

 

A burglar breaks into a home and, scanning around the dark front room, decides to take the television set.  As he moves toward it, he hears a voice say, "Jesus is watching."  He pauses, silent, until he convinces himself that he was merely hearing things.  Moving for the television again, he hears a voice say another time, "Jesus is watching."

 

Ignoring the television, he pulls out his flashlight and shines it around the room.  "Who said that?" he demands.

 

"Moses," comes a voice from the darkened corner.  Shining the flashlight in that direction, the burglar sees a sleepy parrot on a perch.

 

"Did you say that?" the burglar demands.

 

"Yes, I did," the parrot says.

 

"A talking parrot?"  The burglar relaxes, amused and disgusted, and turns back to the TV.  "What kind of person names a parrot 'Moses'?"

 

The parrot replies, "The same person who named the pit bull 'Jesus.'"

 

 

Infinity

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A blonde joke you have probably all heard :

A blonde is driving down the road and sees another blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a field.  The first blonde slams on the brakes and gets out of her car and starts screaming at the rower  "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name!  If I could swim, I would come out there and beat the s**t out of you!"

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One for "us" girls on the board. Sorry guys, but SOMEONE had to pick on you. :D

 

Brains For Sale

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope." "Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.

After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

 

 

Lady Tam

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And now another longer one.

 

Captain John was a true man's man--brave to a fault, and honest.  When he learned that his ship was under attack by TWO pirate vessels, Captain John's response was to draw his sword and shout orders to the first mate.  "Bring me my red shirt!" he called.

 

Upon donning his red shirt, Captain John defeated the pirate menace soundly, leading his men with flashing sword.  After the battle, the first mate asked Captain John why he had ordered his red shirt brought to him.  "My red shirt would conceal the blood of the wounds I was sure to receive," Captain John responded, "strengthening the morale of my men."

 

Hearing this, the entire crew was amazed and impressed at the captain's show of cunning and fearlessness.  Thus, days later, when a host of TEN pirate ships attacked them, the crew members gathered around Captain John expectantly.  After gazing out at the approaching enemy in silence for a long moment, Captain John turned and calmly shouted to the first mate, "Bring me my brown pants!"

 

 

Infinity

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Where Do Pets Come From?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer: "Where do pets come from?"  

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."  

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.  

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."  

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.                                                     And Dog was content and wagged his tail.  

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."  

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility.   And they were greatly improved.  

And God was pleased. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a d##n one way or the other.

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At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.

 

They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an A so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

 

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

 

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

 

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. Cool, they thought! All at the same time, each one in his separate room, thought, this is going to be easy. Each finished the lengthy problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

 

For 95 points: Which tire?

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hahaha, good one Ghost Rider.

 

 

Erg, I can't think of anything at the moment that wouldn't be immediately censored by Kit. Shoot, I'D censor them myself as a board admin...

 

 

Here's one for the Texas folks...

 

How did the Aggie break his arm at the golf course?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He fell off the ball washing machine.

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Hopefully someone will get this.

 

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician were out game hunting.  The engineer spied a bear in the distance, so they got a little closer.  "Let me take the first shot!" said the engineer, who missed the bear by three meters to the left.

 

"You're incompetent!" said the physicist.  "Let me try."  He then proceeded to miss by three meters to the right.

 

"Ooh, we GOT him!" said the statistician.

 

Infinity

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