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Lady Tam
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Here are some...the first one is okay, the second one is a stretch...

 

There once was a poor shepherd named Yorgi. The only

food he had to sustain

himself on was the milk he got from the sheep, and it

tasted so bad that he

could barely drink it. As a result, Yorgi became thin

and sickly.

 

One day, he met his friend Vladimir. Vladimir was a

poor shepherd like himself, but he was hearty and

healthy. Vladimir told him that he had to live

on sheep's milk too, but he let him on a secret: a

witch in a nearby village

taught him a magic spell that makes sheep's milk taste

as sweet as the richest cream. Yorgi begged Vladimir

to teach him the spell, which his friend did

willingly.

 

Sure enough, Yorgi's sheep produced the most delicious

milk he ever tasted.

Yorgi loved it so much, that he drank it by the liter.

He milked his sheep so

much that they cried out in pain. Yorgi realized that

he couldn't make his

sheep suffer like that, so he reversed the spell and

resigned himself to drinking normal sheep's milk.

 

Now there's no ewes crying over spelled milk.

 

=================

 

An animal orthodontist who practiced in Iowa was

called one day by a frantic farmer in Australia. "Help

sir!" he cried, "I just got braces and orthodontic

equipment for 100 of my sheep, and the local sheep

orthodontist just died! I need a responsible animal

dentist to come care for my flock!" The orthodontist

was moved, and a good price was offered, so he

promptly flew to Australia for what he figured would

be a week or two of work. But he found that he was

entirely unfamiliar with the orthodontic equipment the

sheep had been given, and he spent a whole 6 months in

Australia trying to figure out the foreign braces.

When at last he boarded a plane for home, after half a

year of frustrating work, he sighed with happiness.

"At last", he said, ....

 

"I'll be seeing ewes in all the old familiar braces!"

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Have you guys heard about the scientist being arrested for killing the first Human Clone?

 

See, the clone was perfect except for the fact that it included foul language in every aspect of his communications, so theScientist took him out to see the Grand Canyon, and while the clone was admiring the view, the scientist pushed him in.

 

The charge: Making an obscene clone fall.

 

::P:

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A sales representative, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

 

The Genie says, "I usually grant three wishes to one person, but this time I'll give each of you just one. "

 

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. " Poof! She's gone.

 

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life. " Poof! He's gone.

 

"OK, you're up!" the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

 

 

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

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This isnt a joke, but food for thought....

 

TO THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's...

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while

they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing and didn't get tested for

diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored

lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and

when we

rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took

hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE

actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it,

but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were

back when the streetlight came on. No one was able to reach us all day.

And we were OK

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride

down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into

the bushes after few times, we

learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, X-boxes, no 99 channels on cable,

no surround sound, no cell

phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat

rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we

went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no

lawsuits from these accidents.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although

we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did

the worms live in us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or

rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little league had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't

had to learn to deal with

disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers

and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW

TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! Please pass this on to others

who have had the luck to grow up as kids. Kind of makes you want to run

through the house

with scissors, doesn't it?! (Did that, too.)

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Yeah I did a lot of that stuff too. I remember being out on long summer Saturday nights AFTER the sun set, hopped up on sugar and caffiene running around (really, slinking around because after dark you became a commando or a ninja) and shooting spitballs at our folks as they played Pinnochle on a neighbours back porch...and yes we got yelled at...but it was still fun! :devil:

 

I drew the line at eating worms. I did get one kid to eat a leaf...on a dare!

 

Damon.

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And because I am on a vampire kick....

 

The Antideluvians discuss clan politics

 

<Ventrue> Thank you all for attending, and I apologize for not calling a meeting sooner, as it has been awhile since last we spoke.

 

<Brujah> Yeah, notice how we're all misty eyed over that? Tears falling like rain. Why'd ya call us?

 

<Malk> RED RAIN....RED RAIN...RED RAIN...

 

<Brujah> It's red RUM you kook. Now shut up so we can get this over with, I got things to do, people to see...

 

<Tremere> Books not to read....

 

<Ventrue> ::clears throat:: Ahem. As I was saying. Thank you for coming. I have gathered you today to discuss clan politics, and how

we are all aligned.

 

<Toreador> ::looks at Malkav:: <whispers> Or Misaligned.

 

<Ventrue> Um..yes. There is that. At any rate, I have, for simplicity, broken down our clans into 3 political sects, each acting as like

minded nesting ground for individual clan interactions.

 

<Gangrel> ::growls and stands:: What did you just call me?

 

<Nos> ::pats her hand:: Sit dear, he didn't call you anything. He's putting us on "teams". Like in football.

 

<Malk> Football?? OHH!! I wanna be on the Yankees! Do I get a hockey stick?

 

<Brujah> Yeah. Lets give spazoid here a big stick. There's a good idea. Why not just give him a chainsaw and some grenades?

 

<Malk> ::incredulous:: I get GRENADES? ::eyes fill with crimson:: You guys love me. You really...love me.

 

<Brujah> Just shut up, before I explode. ::mumbles:: Weird little....

 

<Ventrue> ::clears throat:: IF I may continue.

 

<Silence>

 

<Ventrue> Thank you. As I was saying. The sects shall be named in the following; Camarilla. Those foll-

 

<Ravnos> Caramello? Isn't that a candy bar?

 

<Giovanni> No, It's that book of sexual positions.

 

<Toreador> That's the Kama Sutra. And maybe you should READ it sometime.

 

<Giovanni> ::sighs deeply:: THIS again? I told you, I threw out my back!

 

<Nos> ::quietly:: Digging into those graves is tasking labor..

 

<Giovanni> WHAT Did you say?

 

<Nos> Shh. Nothing. Our secret.

 

<Ventrue> ::Sighs:: NOT Caramello. NOT Kama Sutra. ::looks at Malkav:: And before you say it, NOT Karma Karma Karma

Chameleon.

 

<Malk> ::stops in mid dance, his mouth drops open. Slowly he just sits::

 

<Ventrue> ::smiles at Malk knowingly:: As I was saying. The Camarilla. This will be a group of clans that follow our masquerade to the

letter, obey the prince, and try to stay unnoticed by mortal society.

 

<Brujah> A buncha kiss a$$es.

 

<Ventrue> Sorry you feel that way Brujah, as being you are part of that group.

 

<Brujah> WHAT?? Oh COME ON. You honestly expect US to dancey-prancey around. The mortals? You can't be serious.

 

<Ventrue> Dead serious. The Camarilla shall be composed corely of myself, Toreador, Malkav, Nosferatu, you Brujah, Tremere, and

Gangrel.

 

<Gangrel> And NOT Gangrel. I'm not following YOU anywhere suitboy.

 

<Malk> ::whispers to Ventrue:: She's still upset about the baboon butt she got the last time she got mad. I've seen it. Red, blue, little white

stripes. It looks like she pooped out the American Fl--URNK!..

 

<Gangrel> ::rubs her fist after knocking out Malkav:: Ow. Baboon butt that you little freak.

 

<Brujah> Go for the face next time. His head is too hard, you'll end up breaking a knuckle. Trust me, I'm an expert on this one.

 

<Ventrue> ::sighs and shuffles the paperwork:: Very well Gangrel. You shall be the first name in the next series of clans. The

Independents.

 

<Gangrel> ::growls:: I'm listening.

 

<Ventrue> The Independent clans shall call no alliances. They are kindred who have decided to, for whatever the reason, blaze their own

trail. When in Camarilla controlled cities however, they will obey set laws and rules, or else be dealt with accordingly.

 

<Brujah> See? That's perfect for me. Anarchy all the way....hey. Anarchs. Anarchy. Oh..I like that idea. I could go out west and I ....

 

 

<Ventrue> What idea?

 

<Brujah> Ahhh nothing. Continue.

 

<Ventrue> ::suspicious glance at Brujah:: The Independent clans shall be as follows. Gangrel, Ravnos, Assamite, The Followers of Set

and Giovanni.

 

<Set> I would rattthhher be on your ssside, ssseeing asss we only work for tthhe good of all kindred.

 

<Malk> Sthufferin Sthuckatash Slyessther!

 

<Ventrue> Your actions dictate the need for expressed freedoms, Set. I'm sorry.

 

<Giovanni> I don't see why you must be so rigid with this. We should be allowed to choose our alliance.

 

<Toreador> ::scoffs:: What would YOU know about rigid?

 

<Silence>

 

<Ventrue> Um. Yes. And lastly. We have the Sabbat.

 

<Malk> HEYYYYYYY ABBBBBBOOOTTTTTTT! urnk.

 

<Gangrel> ::rubbing her fist:: The face. Thanks for the tip Bruj.

 

<Brujah> ::grins:: Anytime. ::winks::Personally I like a chick with horns.

 

<Ventrue> The Sabbat will be the scourge of kindred communities. They will care nothing of the laws or traditions, doing as they wish

when they wish. They shall travel in closely knit packs like wolves, preying wherever they care.

 

<Tremere> Who is left to head such a heinous sect? Only two clans remain, and they are..

 

<Ventrue> Lasombra and Tzimice. Both clans chosen for their...affinity with darkness if you will. Literally and not.

 

<Lasombra> I get to be the bad guy? Hmmm. I may grow to like this.

 

<Tzim> Grow? I could assist with that. A stretch here..a nip there ..a tuck there. Look what I did for Toreador.

 

<Giovanni> ::Stands:: AHA!!! ::pointing at Toreador:: I KNEW there was NO way those were REAL!!

 

<Toreador> ::sobs and goes running from the room, hands covering her face::

 

<Gangrel> TWO Clans against the your five? Yeah that's really fair jackass.

 

<Malk> Jack A$$? Talk about liking it kinky! When she's an animal in bed she's REALLY a ::cowers:: Noo!! Don't hit me! Don't hit me!

 

<Ventrue> The Sabbat shall have the ability..to corrupt from all clans. And every clan shall have it's anti-tribe.

 

<Malk> Anti-tribe? A bacterial soap?

 

<Ventrue> A mirror image of it's set sect, allowing it the freedom to become either Sabbat OR Camarilla.

 

<Malk> Ahh. I see. A free spirit among the clans may choose to divert from the set course, and delve into either the darkness or light if

you will, thus choosing his own alignment, and not the social stereotypes set upon him by clan title.

 

<Crickets>

 

<Ventrue> Why..yes. Th-that..is exactly right. ::shakes his head:: Any further questions? Yes, Malkav? and may I add, I could come to

enjoy your new lucidity.

 

<Malk> Do you have any duct tape? See you have to wrap the gerbil in duct tape so it doesn't explode when you f-- ::Is silenced by

Ventrue's hand covering his mouth::

 

<Tzimisce> The other shoe ALWAYS drops.

 

<Ventrue> ::sighs:: Children. I'm surrounded by children. Meeting adjourned.

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More Vamp humor with a couple of other fro WOD.

 

 

The inkblot test: A guide to the clans.

And what do _you_ see in this picture? Ventrue:

It's just an inkblot. I'm paying you 12 bucks an hour for THIS?

Toreador:

.................................................................

uh, Toreador?.........................

(very quietly) It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen

 

Tremere:

My god....it's the lost sigil of Bazophemet! How did you....GIVE ME THE PAPER....

 

(sounds of burning)

 

Nosferatu:

What, you forgot to flush?

 

Gangrel:

Grrrrrrrr...(sniff sniff) ...grrrrrrr

 

Brujah:

It's just some f***ing ink, O.K? What? WHAT? Hey, f*** you too!!

 

(sounds of breaking bones)

 

Salubri:

I see a diorama of the children of Caine living in peace and harmony...but with my other two eyes, it just looks like...a butterfly?

 

Setite:

I ssssee the eventual conquesssst of our massster Ssset, and hiss lordssship and dominion over all...and tell me doctor...have you ever taken any of the drugsss you pressscribe....

 

Tzimese:

Hmmmm.... That looks like who I was working on last night....

 

Lasombra:

...................................

Lasombra, _please_ turn the lights on.

Lasombra: ...................................

Lasombra, for the last time, would you pleaseAAAAARRRRRRGGGG!!!!!!!

 

Assamite:

Looks like blood.....mmmm....blood.......

 

Baali:

By Baal....it's the lost sigil of Bazophemet! How did you....GIVE ME THE PAPER....

 

Malkvians:

I see... I see...(giggles) That's disgusting!! (giggles again) With a vacume cleaner and...(suddenly serious) Oh no....OH MY GOD!!!! (runs out of the room screaming) THE WHIPPETS ARE COMMING!!! THE WHIPPETS ARE COMMING!!!!!!

 

And (an added bonus) The inkblot guide to the others...

 

Mages:

The ink is whatever I tell it to be.

 

Mummies:

That reminds me of somthing....

 

Garou:

GRRRRRR!!!!!(sounds of ripping and tearing)

 

Wraiths:

.....(sigh).....

 

The Fae:

Wow!! I see...a Troll wearing an 18th century naval uniform riding into battle on a striped griffin to do battle with Zarkath, dragon of the depths!

(The last sounds like Fin!)

LT

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And this weeks episode of "Tremere Trek"

 

Tremere Trek

Regent Kirk This is Regent of the Sixth James T. Kirk... Acting Lord of the chantry...Enterprise. Regent's Log...date zero one

two zero two zero zero... It has been... two months since my demotion from Lord for going rogue...with my crew to help...the

Gangrel...save the whales. Our current mission... to track down... and... apprehend the rogue crew of the chantry... Voyager...

led by Rogue Regent Janeway...

 

Regeant Spock peering into glowing thingy Jim, my Auspex is detecting something ahead. Peculiar.

 

Regent Kirk What is it... Regent Spock?

 

Regeant Spock It is an obfuscated ship.

 

Regeant Kirk Nosferatu? Perhaps Setites?

 

Regeant Spock Neither. It appears to be a Brujah ship.

 

Regeant Kirk alarmed and bolting from chair... extreme close up What? Brujah with Obfuscation technology? But...

how?

 

Regeant Spock Unknown. Perhaps the Nosferatu taught the Brujah their technology.

 

Regent Kirk I never liked the Brujah b*****ds. Not after what they did...to my son!

 

Regeant Spock They are de-obfuscating.

 

on screen flares the image of a leather clad rebel with an upside down anarchy sign tatooed across his left cheek

 

Brujah Kirk! I've been waiting for this moment. I will kill you and your crew and gain FEARED within the Camarilla!!!!

 

Regeant Spock Sir, they are preparing Puissance and Fleetness weapons. They are raising Majesty Shields.

 

Regent Kirk Apprentice Sulu. Ready Force Bolts. Fire...on my command!

 

Apprentice Sulu Aye, Regent.

 

Regeant Spock Might I remind you, Regent, that Force Bolts will be ineffective against their Fleetness technology.

 

Regent Kirk It might buy us...some time!

 

Apprentice Sulu They have fired Puissance weapons.

 

Regent Kirk Puissant shields! Now!

 

big boom...explosions...people jumping over their consoles...

 

Regeant Spock Sir, if we can touch them with a Torpedo of Transference, we can gain a trait of their main power. We can

then use that power to make them bend to our will.

 

Regent Kirk We can't...do that anymore...Spock! That technology was...banned...last month by Mr. Wade Jones...and the

White Wolf Federation!

 

Apprentice Sulu They're firing Entrancement weapons, Regent.

 

Regent Kirk Pavis Shields of Foul Presence!!! Scotty, get us the hell out of here!!!

 

Apprentice Scotty I'lla try, Regent! But I don't know how much more she canna take!

 

Regent Kirk Cross the wards...Scotty...it will let us...Escape to a True Friend!!!

 

Apprentice Scotty Aye Sir.....it's working!!!!

 

lotsa cheesy effects

 

Regeant Spock We are safe, Jim.

 

Regent Kirk Apprentice Bones, what's...the casualty report?

 

Apprentice Bones We've got a lot of aggrivated wounds down here.

 

Regent Kirk Try to...heal them as...soon as you can. I need...a fully operational...chantry!

 

Apprentice Bones Damnit Jim, I'm an Apprentice, not a Pontifex miracle worker!!!

 

Regeant Spock Chantry ahead, Jim. It is the Enterprise-D.

 

Regent Kirk Lord Picard! Hail them!"

 

Lord Picard Greetings, Regent Kirk. It is good to see you again. Ah, judging by your sudden appearance, I would say you got yourself into a little bit of trouble and had to Escape to a True Friend. Have you been blood bonding the naitive women again?

 

Regent Kirk I just had a run in...with the Brujah. They had... Obfuscation technology!

 

Lord Picard Really? That is QUITE disturbing to say the least! Our Brujah defector, Mr. Worf, can fill you in with any information you need.

 

Mr. Worf That is correct, Regent Kirk. I have Brujah Lore of five!

 

Regent Kirk Five?

 

Lord Picard Yes, Regent Kirk. The Regional Federation approved his clearance.

 

Regent Kirk Amazing! But...why?

 

Lord Picard Remember who runs the Regional Federation... Que. The Que known as Storyteller gave it to him. He is also the

one who approved him to learn Thaumaturgy. He can pull some pretty weird decisions and ideas out of his--

 

Regent Riker Sir! Our Expert Auspex scanners show a Tzimisce Cube closing in on us.

 

Lord Picard Not the Tzimisce! Warp us out of here! I'll not be subject to their Vicissitude technology again! Hurry Regent

Riker! Hurry!

 

Regent Riker Ready for your command, Lord.

 

Lord Picard despite the urgency, he holds up a finger... hesitates... and calmly speaks Engage.

 

Regent Kirk Apprentice Sulu, get us out of here. Let's try... to find that Rogue... Janeway.

 

LT

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