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Have you heard this one?


Lady Tam
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Hopefully someone will get this.

 

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician were out game hunting.  The engineer spied a bear in the distance, so they got a little closer.  "Let me take the first shot!" said the engineer, who missed the bear by three meters to the left.

 

"You're incompetent!" said the physicist.  "Let me try."  He then proceeded to miss by three meters to the right.

 

"Ooh, we GOT him!" said the statistician.

 

Infinity

...makes a motion of hand going over head

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On there way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting for St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in heaven. St peter fianlly showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left/ The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heavan, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "what if it doesn't work?" they wondered "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled, "Yes," he informed the couple "you can get married in Heavan." "Great" said the couple, "but what if things don't work out" Could we also get a divorce in Heavan?" St. Peter red faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple "COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"

 

Lady Tam

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The LAPD, The FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a foresst and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plants and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything init, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling "okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

 

lady tam

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This is a long one, and I apologize. But guys, your wives will love this one. And gilrs you'll enjoy it too!

 

Dear Tech Support,

 Help! Last year I upgrades from boyfriend 5.0 to husband 1.0 and noticed the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3 and OperaNoght 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0,  Golf 2.4 and ClutterEveryWhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I’ve treid running nagging 5.3 to fix husband 1.0, but this general purpose utility is of limited effectivness. Can you help, Please! Signed,

Jane

 

Dear Jane,

  This is a common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within you system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. Any new program can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their “old time” favorites applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than they encountered with Husband 1.0. Lookmin your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support” You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with heartbreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

  Having installed husband 1.0 myself, might I suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALLL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command “C;\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME” . Sometimes Tear 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and flowers/Chocolates 7.8 TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\APLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operation. Overuse can also cause husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly Wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the balme for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications of boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hotfood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities really help keep huband1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

 A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherinLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will only run Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherinLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

  I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for chosing to install husband 1.0 and we here at tecj Suppost wish you the best of luck in the coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

 Sincerely,

Tech Support.

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Some good ones!  Let me try to find some non-offensive ones  :O

 

One day a gnome went out for a walk. He encountered two dwarves arguing under a small tree.

 

'What's wrong' asked the gnome.

 

"We're tryin' to figure out how tall the dang tree is,' said one of the dwarves scratching his beard.

 

'Hmmm may I borrow your axe there?' asked the gnome. After getting the go ahead the gnome chopped the tree down. Then he pulled a measuring tape out of his shop apron.

 

'Exectly 33 feet and 2 inches,' announced the gnome, pocketing his tape measure and walking off.

 

When he was out of sight one of the dwarves turned to the other and said 'Just like a bloody gnome, ask him how TALL the tree is and he tells us how LONG it is....'

 

 

High elven cleric, wood elven druid, and Dwarven warrior go into a public restroom.

 

High elven cleric washes his hands, scrubbing clean up to his elbows, using several gallons of water. When the others look at him he explains, 'my ancestors taught us cleaniness is next to godliness...'

 

The wood elven druid rinses a little water over his hands, and wipes them dry on his pants. He says, 'my ancestors taught us not to waste natural resources...'

 

Finally the dwarven fighter finishes and heads straight to the door without washing up. When the two elves stare at him he growls, 'my ancestors taught us not to urinate all over our own #[email protected]# hands...'

 

I hope no gnomes, dwarves, or elves were offended by these... :laugh:

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LOL!

That's a great joke! Halarious!

How could someone /not/ get that joke?

--lstormhammer

did the word infinity at the end have anything to do with it, cause otherwise i got, hey leave me alone im only in high school

No, Infinity is my "code" name.  Don't worry about missing the joke, either.  Statisticians use averages, and the average of three meters to the left and three meters to the right would be exactly in the middle, so the statistician said, "We got him!"

 

Here is a Steven Wright treasure.

 

"I'm Caesarian-born, but you can't tell.  Although every time I leave my home I go out through the window..."

 

 

Infinity

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Two gas company sevicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neihborhood. They parked thier truck at the end of the alley and workd their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from the house was huffing and puffing behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I gifured I'd better run too!"

 

LT

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And just in time for tax time!

 

 A businessman on his deathbed caled his friend and said "Billl, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

 "and what," Asked his friend "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

  The businessman said "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal revenue Service and write on the envelpoe, 'Now you have everything'."

LT

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And just in time for tax time!

 

 A businessman on his deathbed caled his friend and said "Billl, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

 "and what," Asked his friend "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

  The businessman said "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal revenue Service and write on the envelpoe, 'Now you have everything'."

LT

Hahahahaha !!!

 

I got to show that one to people at work !!

 

 

p.s. You DO know where I work, right?  :D

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