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Have you heard this one?


Lady Tam
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**Ring**

"Federal Bureau of Intelligence.  May I help you?"

 

"Is this the FBI?"

 

"Yes, sir.  How may I help you?"

 

"Well, my name's Cletus, and I wanna report that my neighbor, Billy Bob, has about forty pounds of marijuana stashed in his woodpile out behind his house."

 

"Thank you, sir.  We'll look into it."

 

The next day, a dozen FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house and, with axes and chainsaws, tear the woodpile apart.  But, finding no marijuana, they leave, grumbling.

 

**Ring**

"Hello?"

 

"Hey, Billy Bob, this is Cletus.  Did the FBI come chop up your firewood?"

 

"They sure did!"

 

"Merry Christmas, Buddy."

 

 

Infinity

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Ok, ok.....

 

A young blonde gal gets a new sportscar for her 18th birthday from dad. She's zooming down the road, weaving in and out of traffic. After cutting off a semi the driver pulls up beside her and motions for her to pull over.

 

After they both stop the truck driver walks over to her with a tire iron. He draws a circle around her in the dirt and tells her, 'Now don't you dare step out of that circle!'

 

The driver takes the tire iron and smashes the windows out of the gal's brand new car. He hears someone giggling so he looks around. It's the blonde.

 

So he pulls out his pocket knife and slashes all four tires on her car. She starts laughing loudly.

 

Really ticked off he heads back to the truck and pulls out a can of gasoline, douses her brand new car, and lights it. By now she's rolling on the ground she's laughing so hard.

 

The truck driver is so freaked out his anger abates a bit. He walks over to her and says: 'I just destroyed your shiney new sportscar missie, maybe you'd like to tell me what's so #@#@ funny!?!'

 

She looks up, tears in her eyes she's laughing so hard, 'Sure fooled you! While you were smashing up my car I stepped out of the circle three times!!!'

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20 sayings we'd like to see on office inspirational posters

 

1. Rome did not create a great ampire by having meetings... they did it by killing all that opposed them.

 

2.. If you can stay calm, while all around you is in chaos..then you probably haven't completely understood the seriouness of the situation.

 

3. Doing the job RIGHT the first time get's the job done. Doing it WRONG fourteen time gives you job security.

 

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

5. Aritfiacial Intelligence is no match fo Natural Stupidity.

 

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

 

7. Plagerism saves time

 

8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

 

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

 

10. TEAMWORK..means never having to take the blame yourself.

 

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

 

12. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.

 

13. We waste time, so you don't have to.

 

14. Hang in there, retirement id only 30 years away!

 

15. Go the extra mile. It makes you boss look like an incompetent slacker.

 

16. a snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

 

17.When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffe break.

 

18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXABILITY

 

19. Succeed in spite of management.

 

20. Aim Low, Reach You Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

 

LT

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Sorry guys, but this just had to said!

 

Rules for women:

 

 1. never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless

 2. Remember, you are known by the idiot you accompany.

 3.What do you do when your boyfriend walks out? Shut the door.

 4.Never let you man's mind wander. It's too little to be out alone.

 5. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.

 6. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.

 7. Women don't make fools of men. Most are the do-it-yourself types.

 8. Love is blind. But marriage is a real eye opener.

 9. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

 10. Definition of a bachlor; a man who has missed the opertunity to make some woman miserable.

 

Once again guys! Sorry! It had to be done. But If I can take the blonde jokes and smile, I figured you guys could "take this"

Lady Tam

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Not really a joke per se.  But it features physics, is funny, and nice to think about.

 

Of Barometers and Men

 

Some time ago I received a call from a colleague, who asked if I would be the referee on the grading of an examination question. He was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the student claimed he should receive a perfect score and would if the system were not set up against the student. The instructor and the student agreed to an impartial arbiter, and I was selected.

 

I went to my colleague's office and read the examination question: "Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer." The student had answered: "Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building."

 

I pointed out that the student really had a strong case for full credit since he had really answered the question completely and correctly. On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high grade in his physics course. A high grade is supposed to certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this. I suggested that the student have another try at answering the question. I was not surprised that my colleague agreed, but I was surprised when the student did.

 

I gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the end of five minutes, he had not written anything. I asked if he wished to give up, but he said no. He had many answers to this problem; he was just thinking of the best one. I excused myself for interrupting him and asked him to please go on. In the next minute, he dashed off his answer which read: "Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula x =0.5 * a * t2, calculate the height of the building." At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and gave the student almost full credit.

 

In leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said that he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were.

 

"Well," said the student. "there are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer. For example , you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of simple proportion, determine the height of the building."

 

"Fine," I said, "and others?"

 

"Yes," said the student. ?There is a very basic measurement method you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units.?

 

"A very direct method."

 

"Of course, if you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of g at the street level and at the top of the building. From the difference between the two values of g, the height of the building, in principle, can be calculated. On this same tack, you could take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above the street, and then swing it as a pendulum. You could then calculate the height of the building by the period of the precession".

 

"Finally," he concluded, "there are many other ways of solving the problem. Probably the best is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: 'Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of the building, I will give you this barometer.'"

 

At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but said that he was fed up with high school and college instructors trying to teach him how to think.

 

The student was Neils Bohr and the arbiter Rutherford.

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HU'S ON FIRST By James Sherman

 

Scene: The Oval Office.  

Enter the National Security Adviser, Condoleezia Rice.

 

George: Condi!  Nice to see you.  What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

 

George: Great.  Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu's the new leader of China.

 

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

 

George: That's what I'm asking you.  Who is the new leader of China?

ondi: Yes.

 

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

 

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

 

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

 

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

 

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

 

George: Well, I'm asking you.  Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

 

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

 

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

 

George: Yassir?  Arafat is in China?  I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

 

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

 

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

 

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

 

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

 

George: Look, Condi.  I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N.  on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

 

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

 

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

 

George: No.  But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

 

George: Not Yassir!  The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

 

George: Milk!  Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

 

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

 

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

 

George: And stay out of the Middle East!  Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

 

George: All right!  With cream and two sugars.  Now get on the phone.

Condi (On the phone): Rice, here.

 

George: Rice?  Good idea.  And a couple of egg rolls, too.  Maybe we should send some to the guy in China.  And the Middle East.  Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

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This one made the rounds in about 1993.  I post it now in remembrance of Oscar, and in the hopes of enlightening our younger members.

 

The Muppet Massacre

 

AP Online

AP 10/01 2:55 EDT V055

Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.

NEW YORK

NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of Sesame Street, has apparently gone on a rampage. Several muppets are known to be dead; including Prairie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert -- long time friend, roommate, and occasional lover of Ernie. The bird is now reportedly holding Maria hostage in a five floor tenement near Hooper's Store. New York City Police SWAT teams have surrounded the building.

 

AP Online

AP 10/01 4:26 EDT V743

Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.

NEW YORK

NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, Sesame Street muppet, is reported dead at this hour after an hour-and-a-half hostage standoff with New York City Police. Kermit The Frog, Sesame Street Muppet on the scene, reports that as police stormed the five story tenant building where the bird was holding Maria hostage, Big Bird flew out an upper story window at them in a Kamikaze-like attack. Police SWAT units brought down the bird in a hail of automatic weapons fire. Dead are: Prairie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, Bert, and Big Bird. There is no information available concerning Maria.

 

AP Online

AP 10/01 8:47 EDT V246

Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.

NEW YORK

NEW YORK (AP) -- The Professor and his assistant, Beaker, muppet chemists, have reportedly found angel dust in Big Bird's feed. Big Bird was killed by police early this morning after the bird went on a killing spree on Sesame Street. Maria, taken hostage during the ordeal, has survived unharmed. Three muppets were killed by the bird: Prairie Dawn (a friendly, pig-tailed muppet girl-child), Oscar the Grouch (a green garbage-can dwelling grumpy muppet) and Bert (the famous gay paper clip collector and pigeon friend). Authorities in the area report that the bad seed was purchased at the local Hooper's.

 

AP Online

AP 10/01 11:15 EDT V543

Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.

NEW YORK

NEW YORK (AP) -- Police are asking all motorists and humans to stay away from Sesame Street today as tensions are running high among the muppets. Many reportedly are outraged at the tainted food supply and at how the police handled the hostage situation. According to bystanders on the scene at the time, Mr. Snuffalupagus pleaded with police to be allowed to talk Big Bird down. Instead, police stormed the building with deadly results. Ernie is said to be despondent at the loss of his good buddy Bert.

 

AP Online

AP 10/01 17:25 EDT V927

Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.

NEW YORK

NEW YORK (AP) -- Violence erupted again on Sesame Street at five o'clock this afternoon. As thousands of humans driving home took a sightseeing tour of the scene of Big Bird's deadly rampage, muppets became enraged. Hundreds of muppets, large and small, stalked the streets and surrounded humans in their cars. In at least one case, ten muppets pulled a motorist from his car and beat him with large, styrofoam numbers. Police again arrived on the scene in force. At this hour, quiet is restored but tensions are very high.

 

AP Online

AP 10/02 0:47 EDT V211

Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.

NEW YORK

NEW YORK (AP) -- Police and fire units have been called to Sesame Street. Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish atmosphere. Furry muppets ranging in size from only inches to seven feet in height are looting Hooper's Store and firebombing the entire neighborhood. Orange and blue firelight is rising over many buildings. Cardboard backdrops, props, and storehouses full of numbers and letters are burning to the ground. Muppets are taunting firemen and police from windows high above the street with counting and alphabet songs.

 

AP Online

AP 10/02 9:24 EDT V482

Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.

NEW YORK

NEW YORK (AP) -- Morning light has brought an eerie calm to Sesame Street after a night of rioting. Smoke rises from most buildings. On the street, lifeless, crumpled fur lies in mute testament of the night of wild outrage. Unknown numbers of muppets have died or been shot to death by police in full riot gear. Here and there, a muppet--still animated with life--can be seen staring at the wreckage, or sweeping vacantly at the rubble. The Count was reported running down the street crying and yelling, "Ten, Ten Lifeless Muppet Bodies!" No humans were killed in the rioting, although several people reported rug-burns.

 

AP Online

AP 10/03 15:35 EDT V335

Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.

NEW YORK

NEW YORK (AP) -- Ernie, gay friend and roommate of the murdered muppet Bert, broke his two day silence today with a eulogy address at a mass muppet funeral. The following is the complete transcript of his address: I come here today to honor a man I loved. A man who was loved by millions throughout the world. Bert was a giant among muppets. His paper-clip collection was viewed with awe by many of the world's leaders. Just one year ago, as President Clinton campaigned on Sesame Street for the muppet vote, it was Bert who everyone turned to for advice. It was Bert who told us all, "anyone who can hang as many paperclips together as Bill Clinton, can certainly run the country." I also come here today to honor Big Bird. Bird was such a loving creature. His large size and bright color alarmed many who first met him, but it was his innocent and curious nature which taught us all to love him. Bird wouldn't have wanted us to remember him, or to memorialize him, with violence. All he ever wanted was for all creatures to "just get along" with each other. Big Bird has come to a bad end, friends, but is wasn't his fault. It was just some bad seed.

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lottery winner...

 

 

A woman screeches her car into the driveway, runs

into the house, slams the

door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey,

pack your bags. I won the

lottery!"

 

The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I  

pack, beach stuff  or mountain

stuff?"

 

The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter.  Just

get the H**l out!"

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Apologies in advance to any who might be of the muslim faith but this was too good to pass up!

 

Three strangers at a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, are awaiting their shuttle flight.

 

One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Fort Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at the Texas oil patch from the Middle East.

 

To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout radical Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

 

The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.

 

Finally, The Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: "Once, my people were many, now we are few".

The radical Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "And now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

 

The Cowboy shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet................."

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Last winter some dolt posted an on-line petition suggesting

that the name "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" was

intentionally offensive to the memory of 9/11...

 

There were about 3600 signatures, of which about 2000 are sarcastic... below is the original petition, and just a

smattering of some of the replies:

 

To: Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema

Those of us who have seen The Lord of the Rings: The Fellow- ship of the Ring know what an amazing director Peter Jackson

is. When I learned that there apparently was to be a sequel,

I was overjoyed.

 

However, Peter Jackson has decided to tastelessly name the

sequel "The Two Towers". The title is clearly meant to refer

to the attacks on the World Trade Center. In this post- September 11 world, it is unforgiveable that this should be

allowed to happen. The idea is both offensive and morally

repugnant. Hopefully, when Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema

see the number of signatures on this petition, the title

will be changed to something a little more sensitive.

 

Sincerely, The Undersigned

 

(Sample Signatures)

 

1076. Sigmund Wonder

Oh thank you so much for this. Those shameless moneymongers

care for nothing but themselves. Could you please start a

petition to stop those fascist police from using 911 as

their phone number too? That is also something that bothers

me.

 

1102. Paul

they have no sensitivity, i wont even let my twin kids stand

next to each other out of respect for 9/11

 

1183. Lionel Hutz

I myself am a big Elvis fan, and if they name the third film

after the book title "Return of the King" I will start my

own petition....

 

1172. Joseph Minkock

How about changing it to: "Frodo's Hilarious Journey"?

 

1225. Hamm Hurabi

I demand that the number two no longer be used!

 

1346. burt convy's nipples

Yes, this exploitative Tolkien fellow should develop TV

programs for Fox. I say change the next movie to *honor*

the event: something like "Frodo, the Littlest Fireman."

 

1443. olly

I'll sign anything.

 

1434. William Shatner

I think Jackson's choice of title is shocking and offensive.

Two new buildings were recently constructed in my home town,

but we managed to have them demolished and the offenders

removed from society.

 

1422. Ajax Cortina

While you're at it, let's ban the number 11. Everytime I see

it, I cry.

 

1405. Pass

I believe Twins should be banned from entering Tower Records

stores.

 

1387. Ashton Kushner

I think it should be renamed "Dude, where's my Precious?"

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