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a few funnies


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1.. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The


> looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per

> passenger."


> 2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says

> "Dam!"


> 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the

> craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your

> kayak and heat it too.


> 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other

> says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."


> 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root


> His goal: transcend dental medication.


> 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in

> the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an


> the man ager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why,"

> they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand


> boasting in an open foyer."


> 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a

> family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;

> they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his

> birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she

> wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're

> twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


> 8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a

> small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers


> the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was

> unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He


> back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival


> hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to

> "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,

> saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,

> thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


> 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which

> produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very


> which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad

> breath. This made him .(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super

> calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


> 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his

> friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them


> No pun in ten did.

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1. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."


4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."


6. Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


8. "Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home"." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."


9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.


10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at, either.


11. A monk was tending his vegetable garden when he noticed several plants were being eaten by insects. Going to the head friar he asked, "what should I do?" The head friar said simply, "Lettuce spray."


12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."


14. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.


15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


16. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No bet, the steaks are too high."


17. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!". The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"


18. I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a mussel.


19. Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"

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In Aztec times, the Aztec caught a member of an opposing tribe and locked him up to sacrifice him later.

The prisoner luckily found an escape route and decided to sneak back home.

Upon finding the prisoner escaped the general of the Aztecs send out parties to search for the escapee.

Now the Escapee who was sneaking through the Aztec city decided that before he left he would burn the Aztecs main temple to the ground.

Once he started the fire the General of the Aztecs noticed the smoke and sent men to the temple and slew the escapee.

The Moral of the story:

The searching general advises that smoking ziggaurauts may be harmful to your stealth.

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