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Spartan6

Dinner date

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MRE dinner date, The following is a true story....told from the point of view of a Ranger ..

 

 

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.

 

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out

three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looksfancy right?)

 

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger Pudding.

 

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six ) and mixed in four packets

of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

 

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that stuff is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on

sale at the Benning PX ), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

 

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!" We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it Iguess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner. At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make...yup. Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my

restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

 

Let the games begin.

 

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smellgood) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look. After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with me???" as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener. Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the

chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door,

and didn't come out for 30 minutes. I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

 

She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave

her an Immodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed. Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed

her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can. After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.

 

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't poop for 5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

 

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had

been in tears on the couch.

 

I know ... I'm an A-hole, but it was still a funny night.

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You're a bad, bad man, Spartan. :lol:

 

I had a friend who was in the Army, and he attested to the fact that eating a lot of MRE's basically turns off the poop chute. :devil:

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I had a friend who was in the Army, and he attested to the fact that eating a lot of MRE's basically turns off the poop chute. :devil:

 

He wasn't lying... and that's the voice of experience speaking.

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When I was a kid, a my Dad's co-worker gave him a ton of MRE's and some other surplus bits. They were the coolest meals a kindergartener could eat.

 

Especially the freeze-dried fruit bars.

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Danish rations have alot of stuff in there that's been added specifically to prevent poop stop-age. Like stuff with prunes in it.

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Hehehe, you're a brave, if somewhat evil man. <_<

 

That said, I like having some MREs around for hurricane emergency food. I try to pick up a case or two every couple of years. Then, I usually eat the older stock for lunch over the course of a couple of months (no, I don't eat the entire bag). Getting harder to acquire the real stuff (that wasn't made too long ago) these days.

 

Ron

 

PS: I thought one bag was supposed to be 1500 calories, not 3000?

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I've never had any "digestion issues" from eating MREs.

 

 

 

Of course I've also been accused of being able to eat anything that doesn't eat me first. *shrugs*

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Although I was never ate MRE meals I understand if you where able to combine different parts you where Ok bowel wise.

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Wow...this is the most hilarious thing I've ever heard...cruel and sadistic, but hilarious.

 

Not that I've had terribly many, but I don't recall having much problem with MREs...of course, as someone who once ate three pounds of provolone in less than 3 hours, I'm probably in the same category as Cuculain up there.

 

Maybe I should pick up some MREs for dinner sometime. Sounds easier than lasagna.

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OMG, I am crying with laughter from reading this! You are a bad, bad man, Spartan.... just my kind of friend. :devil:

 

I'm gonna go continue to laugh about this now... :lol:

 

~v

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