Thoughts of Suicide

[Beowulfthehunter]

I get to work on Monday and we come to find out one of our co-workers (the principal's nephew) commited suicide over the weekend. It hit many of us hard, me especialy after having just spent 36 hours with the guy on an overnight camping trip with out 7th graders (that hit a few of our students pretty hard). Combine that with the fact he was my age (20s) it just did not make sense.

 

I went to his wake today...pardon me....tried to go to his wake. There was a line out the freaking door of people to give this kid a send off, former team mates, GFs, friends family, etc.... This guy had so much ahead of him. He was in good health (you should have seen all the fitness awards he had won through college and HS) a multi-sport team player, and do not even get me started on the fine women giving this guy a send off at his funeral. He was more then likely going to get hired at our middle school full time, things seems to be so bright for this guy and he just ends it.

 

Now many of the guys I know (self included) have pretty crappy lifes so if any of us ended it it would make perfect sense, but not this guy. Now I know the whole notion of senseless is the lack of sense, but I just need to muse out loud.

[Mad Jack]

Well, sometimes things look different from the inside than they do from the outside....

[Gus Landt]

My condolences on your loss.

 

I had a friend in high school who matched your friend's description. All-star in 3 different sports, great grades, dated all of the hottest girls, best car in school (affluent parents). One weekend he puts a shot-gun to his chest and pulls the trigger. He lived through it, so I know what was going through his head, and that might give you some insight into what your friend may have been thinking. It boiled down to this - He achieved so much because his parents (dad particularly) drilled it into his head all his life that failure wasn't an option. He said the pressure to always do the best took the enjoyment out of his achievements, and said it just wasn't worth it anymore. He felt there was no way his parents would have listened if he had told them he didn't want to be #1 at everything.

 

No idea if that has any relevance to your situation, but I figured I'd share.

[Enchantra]

Sorry for your loss. It's hard to lose a friend and coworker who you hold in such high esteem and who has so much going for them.

 

I was in this position when I was a Junior in High school. What was going through my head? I felt trapped. School every day was a constant drudgery of being harassed and teased and manhandled by other students - yes the guys were especially nasty. I wanted to learn, but learning isn't easy when you have to watch over your shoulder all the time to see who's coming at you. At home it wasn't all that great either. My Father was in and out of unemployment, there was no money in the household as Mom's steady paychecks went right to bills and household expenses. In my mind I saw no end in sight to the torment and suffering - there wasn't even money one winter for me to have a winter jacket. I was also coping with the after-effects of a rape. I had it drilled into my head by my Mom that I had to maintain my virginity till I was married. No longer having something that precious, it only made those darker inner feelings worse. (And no one knew what had happened either except for my long-time best friend.) With all the teasing and nastiness around me I had been made to feel worthless, and despite my good grades, despite the fact my teachers knew I'd do well and go onto college, despite the fact my Parents loved me I felt the world would be better off without me. I stood in the kitchen one day as Mom and Dad were off at the grocery store and my siblings were at a friend's house playing. I opened the drawer where the knives are kept, picked up one that looked particularly nasty and went to the sink. For an eternity I stared at that knife. I wanted to do it, but some inner voice screamed at me not to. Then I heard the car being parked in the driveway, Mom and Dad were home. I put the knife away. I hadn't even turned 17 yet. That voice that was screaming at me in my head was telling me not to because it would hurt my family.

 

I got through it. Despite no cash, I told my Parents I needed help, and they got me a counselor and it helped. I look at that incident as a turning point in my life because after getting the help I needed I realized how much I had ahead of me.

 

****

 

Three years ago earlier this month I woke up to hearing my sister -who wasn't even living here - crying in the kitchen talking to my Parents - who were also up way to early. I knew something wasn't right. My sister's Girlfriend's Father had suffered several strokes. Mentally some problems had arisen from this and he wasn't allowed to drive anymore. He had been very depressed. Well, he decided to take his life. His wife came home to find he had opened up and swallowed the entire contents of every bottle of pills in the household, and he was laying on the livingroom floor in a puddle of his own vomit and excrement. He was still alive but unconscious and she got an ambulance and he was taken to the hospital. He died several hours later due to there being no open dialysis beds in the region so he could have the drugs cleansed from his bloodstream.

 

****

 

Dad is disabled permanently. He no longer can work. This has taken it's toll on him and others in his perdicament. He belonged (until it was disbanded) to a support group where people with the same issues (Permanently disabled due to injuries) would get together to discuss their problems. The group was meant to be helpful, but obviously wasn't. Within the six months of this group, Dad knew two guys well in the group who killed themselves due to having no hope and feeling worthless. One even sent Dad his suicide note, which left my Father running for his own counselor. The group was disbanded by the counselors who started it due to the high incidence of suicide in the members, as two more had killed themselves not long after.

 

Then a year ago in March, Dad almost took his life. As me and Mom slept he laid on the couch clutching a bottle of his pills contemplating taking them. We woke up to go to work, saw he was sleeping on the couch and thought nothing of it since with the pain he is in, it sometimes helps him to sleep there. I wasn't at work very long when I got a phonecall from home. Oddly Mom was home and both Mom and Dad were crying. Dad had called Mom to say he needed help and she got home and got him to the hospital so he could be evaluated.

 

Dad has been doing much better, and while still unable to work, he is at least now full of more worth in himself.

 

****

 

So I can indeed see why someone who has everything going for them could do something like this. If you suffer from depression it's a silent killer. No one around you even knows you suffer from it at times except yourself. It can be clinical depression or just feeling like you cannot take anymore. Yes there is help and thankfully me and Dad both realized that. However, others are not quite as lucky to realize that help is out there for them.

[wildbill]

I had a buddy in college that was like Gus's friend. Well, sort of. My friend was not a jock, and did not date all of the hottest babes on campus. But, he was really smart. His parents paid for his housing and tuition, but in return placed a restriction on his GPA. Now, for those of you that may not know, there are a lot of scholarships out there that will require you to maintain a certain minimum GPA to keep the scholarship. It varies, but it can be like 3.0, 3.5, whatever. What did my friend's parents say? He had to maintain a 4.0, in an engineering discipline. Wow. Talk about tough. So, it comes down to the last semester of his college career, and he finds out he is going to get a B. One stupid little B. What does he do? He goes to Walmart, buys a shotgun (no wait period), some shells, and goes home and kills himself. I hope his parents are really happy about that 4.0 requirement.

 

Wild Bill

Edited April 25, 2008 by wildbill

[Rastl]

Everything I've read in these posts leads to a single common thought pattern: "There's no way out of this."

 

Unfortunately that seems to be the thought that leads people to suicide. That there is no other option for them at that point in their life. A slightly less troublesome option is that suicide is the 'easy way' out of whatever is going on.

 

You hear all commercials and after-school specials say all they needed to do was reach out. Or that one person could have made a difference. And whilst true, it's also part of the problem. These poor individuals are so locked into their own problems that reaching out doesn't occur to them. Or they have already mentally had the conversation and it didn't help, so they think.

 

Thoughts of suicide are also very enticing. It's a solution they can control. Since all the other events in their life are beyond their control this is one answer they can do themselves. Again, from the outside it looks very different.

 

All I can use as a conclusion is that I don't know what to say. I could make observations on current society and the lack of connections. I could point to the internet and the depersonalization that occurs. But I won't. I'll just say that this is one of those subjects that does need an occasional resurfacing to make us all look around.

[smokingwreckage]

My sincerest sympathy.

[kristof65]

I'm responding to your post Rastl, simply because it gives me some concrete things to say. I've been touched by suicide more than I care, and it's sometimes difficult for me to share coherent thoughts about it.

 

Everything I've read in these posts leads to a single common thought pattern: "There's no way out of this."

 

Unfortunately that seems to be the thought that leads people to suicide. That there is no other option for them at that point in their life. A slightly less troublesome option is that suicide is the 'easy way' out of whatever is going on.

There is another common thought pattern that leads to suicide - "I'll show you, I'll make you hurt." It typically goes hand in hand with the other one, but can be a driving force as well.

 

You hear all commercials and after-school specials say all they needed to do was reach out. Or that one person could have made a difference. And whilst true, it's also part of the problem. These poor individuals are so locked into their own problems that reaching out doesn't occur to them. Or they have already mentally had the conversation and it didn't help, so they think.

A lot will reach out, they just don't do it in very obvious ways - giving away a lot ot their personal items is a usual one, but there are others. All it takes sometimes is one person reaching out to them to give them hope. And reaching out doesn't have to be a reaction like "OMG, you're considering suicide - let's get you help!" A phone call at the right time, knowing they have a friend they can talk to at any time - that can make a world of difference.

 

I had a friend in high school whom I began to suspect was considering suicide. I didn't really know what to do, so while I figured out what to do, I just kept showing up at his house, and saying "Hey, let's go do something." I finally got enough out of him to indirectly confirm my worst fear, and went to a mutual friend of ours who got her father, a pastor or some sort of counselor, to talk to him. We've never spoke of since, except for one small conversation years later where he said "Thanks for being such a good friend in high school."

 

All I can use as a conclusion is that I don't know what to say. I could make observations on current society and the lack of connections. I could point to the internet and the depersonalization that occurs. But I won't. I'll just say that this is one of those subjects that does need an occasional resurfacing to make us all look around.

I think the internet has helped as much as it's harmed. With the internet, it's easy for someone to reach out to a stranger for help, but on the flip side, it has caused some disconnection between people. But suicide has been seen as an option by some long before society got to where it is today - the pressures have still been there, just in different forms. My maternal grandmother committed suicide in 1968, one of my aunts in 1985, and a good friend of my sisters in 1986 - all well before the internet.

[Bilesuck]

and I will return this

 

*****gives chuck a big hug*****

Sorry man, I feel your pain.

[brushforhire]

so sorry to here this. my prayers go out to you.

[Rastl]

I'm responding to your post Rastl, simply because it gives me some concrete things to say. I've been touched by suicide more than I care, and it's sometimes difficult for me to share coherent thoughts about it.

I generally don't post analysis of human behaviour as I have a degree in Psychology but didn't follow up on it. So I've got a blend of schooling, common sense, and practical experience that makes me hesitant to venture opinions.

 

I've been fortunate enough not to have anyone in my immediate or near friends who walked that path. However I do have first-hand knowledge of how tempting such an action can be. And that's the last I'll mention of that.

 

I didn't want to make this thread a layman's analysis of suicide. But I feel for Beo and anyone else who has had to deal with the fallout of someone taking that route.

[pae]

Well, sometimes things look different from the inside than they do from the outside....

 

QFT

 

I've been there.

[kristof65]

I didn't want to make this thread a layman's analysis of suicide. But I feel for Beo and anyone else who has had to deal with the fallout of someone taking that route.

I didn't really want to either, it's just that your post gave me concrete things to say, vs the vague, uneasy and overly sad feelings I had until I read your post. It's a difficult subject to talk about - whether you've been affected by someone you know killing themselves, trying to, or you've considered it yourself.

 

The two points I wanted to make was that A)It's been going on a long time - the feelings are the same, though the pressures that drive those feelings are probably vastly different in our times. B) It often doesn't take much to change someone's mind about it - sure, that doesn't always work, nor do you always know what to do - but do something positive for the person, and it will probably pay off.

 

After the fact, there isn't much you can do - what's done is done - greive, recognize the signs that were there, and do what you can for the next person if you see those signs again. That's the only way I cope with my aunt and grandmother's deaths - there was nothing I could have done for them, either being too far away at the time, or too young - but knowing that I helped my friend regain his balance when he stumbled eases the burden a bit.

[Beowulfthehunter]

We had been talking about it at work to no avail. I commented that I thought about the people I knew in the past who commited suicide. To them it made some sorta sense:

 

David 1: Was the school bully, mother hung herself in prison, was in and out of school all around scumbag, was wanted by the cops for armed robery and had a kid. So it made sense and was good riddence.

 

David 2: Guy fro college, smart guy, struggled finding a job, GF cheated on him tough year after being outside of college.

 

Dan: Bought a new house he could not afford, struggled with money, wife was probalby cheating on him.