Best In-Character Lines

[Sivrel]

As the titile says I'm sure plenty of you people here have had plenty of memorable lines in character while role-playing them. I would like for some of you to share them here. Just remember to keep things family friendly.

 

For me the line comes from a Star Wars Saga Edition while playing a combat droid name BE-00 otherwise known as "Bees." While trying to prevent my comrades from being blasted by a bunch of rouge combat droids my character was sent to negotiate with them into not killing us. I did however succeed in temporarily confusion them.

 

Eventually the rouge combat droids went into a storage room which we locked for just in case. However best to Bees's knowledge his ruse was still working. Bees was then asked to make a perception check (Star Wars Saga edition uses the same system for for skill checks in D&D essentially, perception works as search, spot, and listen all rolled into one skill) to hear something that the droids were saying to each other in binary.

 

Well, when I rolled my perception check I rolled a natural one (yes they're as bad in Star Wars as they were in D&D) so I misheard it as the droids were convinced that organics weren't the enemy and that they were baking us cookies. However, Bees had absolutely no clue what a cookie even was but he was still convinced that his ruse worked. Eventually the battle droids blew the storage room door open to which Bee's repkied "Oh those must be the cookies."

[mattmcl]

A player in my campaign a year ago was playing a huge, stupid half-orc fighter. He had a thing for lambs- whether it was just that he thought they were cute, or if it was more than that we never really go into. But whenever we went through a town he had to go see the lambs. He came to be known for saying "mmmm.... soft furry lamb... cute tasty lamb..."

[Mchandler]

one time... one of the few times i tried a cleric character in D&D, this was second edition.. i went to do a healing spell on a badly wounded character... i said oh this wont hurt at all.. did the roll i rolled a natural one... end result one dead pc

[Sergeant_Crunch]

Playing the stereotypical elven archer type in 2d Ed who was optimized, but not quite min/maxed, to use the long bow. He had a habit of saying "I shoot the (insert monster)!" then rolling abysmally....especially if it was something like an orc or a kobold or such. Unless it was the boss critter/person of the week or the overall story arc we were on, then he'd make called shots and roll crits.

[anvil]

We were under assault by a gelatinous cube. Most of the party was clueless to its presence, but one fighter noticed it and tried to bring our attention to it by throwing a spear at it. "Look, look, a monster over there!" toss spear, roll one, "No, no, I meant over here!" toss second spear, roll second one, "No, no right here!" toss third of his 3 spears, rolls enough to hit it, then realizes he's now unarmed. "Gulp" (literally, he said "gulp")

[alchemist]

I am reminded of an incident in a Traveller campaign I played in. This was about 25 years ago, so my memory of the details is a bit fuzzy.

 

For reasons I can no longer remember we were trying to lure in the bad guys' (pirates?) starship into attacking us by making our own ship appear much more vulnerable than it really was, so we could suddenly pounce and turn the tables on them.

 

To this end we had our ship rigged up with fake hull sections, smoke and debris to be ejected. The idea was to make it look like they had badly damaged us and we were about to crash so we could lure them in for the kill. (This was all going on in a planetary atmosphere, I'm sure there was a good reason for it at the time.). The bad guys duly turned up and opened fire on us and so our plan was put into action. The fake debris, etc. was released. "Make it look convincing" said one of the characters.

 

My character was the pilot - a super mega pilot formerly of the Imperial Navy with an outrageous level of pilot skill, a chestful of Starbursts for Extreme Heroism, and an ego to match. This should be a walk in the park for him.

 

The GM told me to make a piloting roll. A critical fail! Eek! I'd lost control of the ship. Now we really were about to crash! The GM played up the tension, describing how the ground was approaching at great speed, making us sweat. He gave me another roll to try to regain control. Another critical fail! At this point all the players were turning white, screaming and/or pooping their pants, certain that everyone was about to die.

 

The GM generously allowed me one final roll for a last-second reprieve. At last I made the roll. The ship was virtually scraping the ground as I pulled us out of the crash-dive. And so we survived by the skin of our teeth to fight another day.

 

All the other players were looking accusingly at me. With a slightly embarrassed grin my character, with a line absolutely typical of his personality, said "Well, you SAID you wanted it to look convincing!"

[wildbill]

A few years ago I was at a small con playing a 4 hour round of Deadlands. That was my first introduction into the game, but I knew beforehand that it was essentially a western setting, so I had spent many hours watching and rewatching such movies as The Outlaw Josey Wales and Silverado for good western one-liners.

 

Let me set the players: There was myself, my friends Joe and Marc, and one of Marc's friends Frank (who I met for the first time at that game). There was also 2 girls playing, and one of the girl's husband was the DM.

 

Joe is about 6'-5", 290 pounds of muscle and Marc is into kung-fu and magic and stuff, and Frank was just a relatively little guy. So, the DM puts all of the characters face down on the table and tells us to pick one at random. Joe gets the big guy with the humongous caliber sniper rifle. Perfect. Marc gets the guy that dables in the magic of the Deadlans. Nice. Frank gets the town sherriff character. Not bad. One of the girls gets the local prostitute that is helping out and the other girl gets the healer type character. I get a guy that has two guns (like Kevin Costner from Silverado), is an awesome shot and has this trait called Big Britches. Not having played before I asked the obvious "What? Does this guy wear clown pants or something?" It was then explained that that meant he was totally full of...it. And was really cocky etc.

 

So, we start playing trying to go through this town attempting to find people that know where the main bad guy is holed up. About an hour into the session, we are dealing with the Chinese mafia (yes, in the old west ) trying to get info. Frank is talking to of them in an alleyway, and it wasn't going well. So, I decided to stroll on in and ask if anyone had a light for my cigarette. One of the Chinese guys made a comment about me leaving, and I was like, hey I just want a light. Then he made some snide comment about me, and true to my Big Britches trait, I quoted Danny Glover from Silverado: "I don't want to kill you and you don't want to be dead." Roll the d20 the DM said! BAM! Natural 1! So, the two mafia guys proceed to laugh in my face. I then proceed to declare that I will Quickdraw each gun and give each guy a shot to the chest. Frank immediately backs my play and Quickdraws to shot one of the guys a second time.

 

Of course, the girls were all ticked off we just killed the plot hook. We didn't care. We just proceeded to go after the Chinese mafia instead, much to the delight of the DM and much to the chagrin of the females.

 

Wild Bill

[EntilZha]

In the earlier part of a D&D campaign I'm in right now, the PC's were gladiators, fighting for the sport of a dying demigod in his own plane. To sustain himself, he consumed the souls of the "clean" beings who lost their matches, sucked them in through his mouth. Clean souls being those of humans, elves, dwarves, gnomes, halflings.

 

In one session we were discussing ways we might overthrow our captor, and the discussion turned to his apparent dependence on clean souls. So one of our players chimes in with an idea, "Let's shove unclean things into him!!"

 

 

He has yet to live that down.

[Evilbob]

ahhh, where to start.

 

I think my favorite line must be from Squish-Fist. Halforc Halfogre Barbarian (was like 9th level before anyone realized she wasn't a fighter).

As a warning, this game was us playing monster races...

 

We're trying to get into this party, in a castle, stuck in a time loop, to stop the loop. Its ritzy, we're adventurers (1/2 feindish drow, farie, drow, tri-kreen, and SquishFist). I have the Rod of Splendor (doubles your Charisma...) so I turn it on to deck myself out in all the finery this thing can manage. Why I thought it was a good idea for me to be in charge in this scenario I have no Idea.

We goto the doors, asked who we are, and the receive the reply. "I am SquishFist, Queen of the Ogre People!"

 

not that great, except for what everyone else heard me say, and is the joke to this day.

 

"I am SquishFist, Queen of the Yogurt People!"

 

we got in.

 

 

 

and for those not familiar with the Rod of Splendor, it does not in fact normally double your Charisma. Its usually a +4. which it was both in this case.

[All-Terrain Monkey]

In one of my first D&D games our party had just gotten through an encounter in a room lined with mushrooms whose spores could reduce a player's Intellect to 1 if they failed a save. Naturally our Wizard got hit by it, so as we try to sneak our way through undead throngs to get the pounce on the evil lich behind the current plot our Fireball machine is commenting, loudly, on the upholstery, why the word carrot sounds funny, etc. While I'm trying (again) to convince him to be quiet the fighter loses his temper, whirls around, and sucker punches the wizard, knocking him unconscious. I furiously whisper, "What did you do that for! We could've gagged him!"

 

"Well, at least now he'll be quiet," says the fighter smugly.

 

"Well, at least before he could walk. Guess who's carrying him," I replied. All throughout the rest of the campaign the phrase, "Guess who's carrying [fill in the blank]" kept popping up non-stop, with "At least before he could [fill in the blank]" making the rare appearance as well.

[tombwalker]

In a campaign I was running, the group entered the lair of an old black dragon. They had too sneak past it whilst it was asleep. The thief fluffed it and fell over, causeing the dragon to stir. One of the party had an arrow of dragon slaying and was told to shoot it before the dragon attacked the party and certain death.

 

His reply was "But it's my only one!?"

 

He did shoot the dragon, and luckily got a natural 20, but he never lived it down. Even having the mage in the party using illusions to show the scene to any local nobility they came across.

 

This same character was involved in another 'incident'

 

On watch duty on their ship, he was left a note by the rogue (yes she was a halfling) and told that another member of the group had taken something of his. He went to that members cabin and smashed the door in, grabbed the front of his clothing, twisted and lifted bringing him (role playing what he did) to eye level.

 

Someone then pointed out he was in full armour. He was wearing gaunlets that had blade sticking fowards which were "Blades of Sharpness". They had to point out twice he was in full gear before it click that he had just gutted and beheaded his companion. All he said was "oops"

[figpainter]

said by my Barbarian Character to the rest of the party

 

"Ronar spell same forward as backward!"

 

Naturally I recieved a bunch of blank looks, so I had to demonstrate.

 

Ronar spells his name X

 

We still laugh about that one

[Mad Jack]

This is from a game I ran by myself, played out almost entirely in my own head, and later made into a story loosely based on it. Since I've never actually written it down, the dialogue occasionally gets altered a bit.

The party consists of 7 people : The palladin, female pally/cleric, fighter and wiz are all Lawful Good and work for the Church of Tyr.

Then there's a LN hobgoblin ftr/ranger, a LE kobold rogue/sorc, and my CN rogue with the same INT as the party wiz. My rogue joined the party as a guide and the humanoids were strays we picked up.

 

We were sent by the Church to a neighboring totally corrupt kingdom to lay down Ye Olde Righteous Wrath on a group of slavers who'd done the usual unpleasant bad-guy things to a young lady who was destined to be a future High Priestess of Our Boss (who was decidedly unamused).

Come to find out (after we located their base), there were about fifty of them versus seven of us.

 

The slavers are holed up in a big cavern inside a mountain.

After scouting the guards outside, the rogue takes them out quietly and sneaks back to the party, scaring the hell out of the female cleric on purpose because it's just so much fun.

(He has some blood on his hand cuz one of the guards popped him for 2pts.)

 

Rogue: "I took care of the guards."

 

Cleric (horrified): "You murdered them in cold blood?!?" (looking at the blood on his hands.)

 

Rogue (dead honest): "No, of course not, milady. I snuck up behind them, whispered their long list of offenses in their ear, and punished them in our Lord's Name by slitting their throats."

 

Cleric (aghast): ....

 

Rogue: "Sigh... I knocked them unconscious so you can drag them back to be humanely executed by the proper authorities..."

 

 

Inside the mountain, the party hid behind a stack of crates on an upper walkway to scout the layout of the cavern. The pally is the party leader, at least according to the Church, but his "leadership" is mostly ordering us to do whatever we've just talked him into thinking was his idea. This is the point where we discover we're outnumbered like Luke and Han when they rescued Leia. (It was enough to keep even the bone-head fanatical pally from just charging forth to meet his gloriously heroic and completely pointless death.)

 

Palladin: "Hmm, we seem to be at a disadvantage here. As much as I pray for the honor of dieing a glorious death battling against the enemies of our Lord, I don't believe doing so in the next few minutes would greatly improve our odds of completing the task to which we've been set."

(Looks over the three dozen armed people wandering around below.)

"Thief, I believe this may require some of your dubious expertise. Have you any suggestions?"

 

Rogue: "Ah... Might I suggest, milord, that we kill them all before they kill us? Preferably as quietly as possible?"

 

Pally (considering): "Thief, I find myself in the previously unimaginable position of agreeing with you..."

 

Wizard: "But... Milord, what about prisoners - what if they wish to surrender?!?"

 

Pally (in grim voice): "Mage, these men have committed crimes against the laws of men and they have sinned against the laws of our Lord Tyr. The government of this nation is corrupt - indeed, even in league with these scum. They will not be punished for their crimes if brought back to the city. And so I say to you, if we cannot bring these beasts to the justice of men, then we shall bring the Justice of our Lord Tyr to them."

 

 

During the fight, we come across an agent from another nearby nation who was sent to infiltrate the slavers' organization in order to find out which government officials were involved, and eventually to foment a regime change in the area. We find out the Governor himself was partnered with the slavers. The agent at first assumes we're also agents from our home nation, then laughs when he finds out we're basically a black-ops team working for a Lawful Good Church.

 

Agent (to the cleric): "Well, I guess both politics and religion make for strange bedfellows, eh, Milady?"

 

Cleric: "Sir, I can think of very few things that would cause me to share a bed with the likes of you..."

 

Agent (to rogue): "Ah, well, it was definitely worth an attempt..."

 

Rogue (who can't pass up a chance to stir things up): "I notice she did say "very few things", and not "nothing"..."

 

Agent: "Indeed she did. I may still have a chance...."

 

 

So we ended up getting involved in international espionage, left revealing evidence in places where it would do the most damage, set up several local officials to get caught at things they couldn't cover up, started a small gang war, and managed to place a friendly political Reform candidate in the right place (and keep him alive long enough) to win an election and become the new Governor.

And found a way for our Church superiors to establish a presence in the region, strictly as benevolent missionaries helping to aid those disadvantaged by the recent strife, of course, lol.

After which, we snuck into the old Governor's estate, cast a well-placed silence spell so nobody could hear anything outside the guy's bedchamber, and then woke him up and informed him he had just enough time to put on his armor and draw his sword before he died. Then the palladin challenged him to honorable single combat and smacked the crap out of him before almost beheading him with his final shot. We managed to blame the "assassination" on his former associates, too.

And, thanks to the wickedly twisted mind of my rogue, managed to do all of it without ever actually violating the palladin's and pally/cleric's Code....

[EntilZha]

Don't you just love it when a plan comes together?

 

Well done, Mad Jack.

[Sivrel]

Yeah, Mad Jack's best lines with the kobold definately takes the ckae.