Best In-Character Lines

[Bryan]

I played in a Star Wars campaign (back in the WSG days, before d20) for years as a smooth-talking, fast shooting smuggler ("Trakker") with a droid-dog named "Maxx". Being in the employ of the notorious Talon Karde, Trakker Valeson was required from time to time to take missions with little to no notice and on more than one occasion, Maxx had been damaged trying to protect his master in combat. While my character had some skill at repairing droids, Maxx had been pretty beaten up after our last mission and I wanted to give him a break. Luckily, Trakker had made a lady-friend...

 

After dating the waitress at the local greasy spoon for a while, she let Trakker "have a drawer" in her apartment. Things were looking pretty serious between the waitress and my character and they had one last evening out (and in ). She offered to keep an eye on Maxx for Trakker while he was away. When he was about to leave, standing outside her door saying goodbye, she asks,"I'm going to miss you... you are coming back?"

 

Trakker looks her right in the eye and says, "Yeah, I have to come back for Maxx."

 

Open mouth, Insert foot.

 

Needless to say, Maxx ended up coming on the mission with me and the GM made sure he was beat up good for Karma's sake!

 

 

Another moment of Trakker-ness occured while we were infiltrating an Imperial stronghold and Trakker was flying a black-ops team on to the base. By this time he was well known and wanted by Imperial forces and we worked out codenames and disguises for all the members of our team:

 

"Shuttle Omega, please identify, provide access code, and state your flight-path."

 

"...er" I stammered, completely forgetting who "I" was supposed to be

 

"Repeat, Shuttle Omega, identify and provide your access code!"

 

"Err... Uhh...This is Trakker Vale...SON OF A B****!" gaming group busts out laughing, "Get ready boys, we're going in hot..."

[Prophet_of_Menoth]

At this time I was a 6th level dedicated hero (we use d20 modern) who was specked in scaring people into giving up info and if that didn't work he would just torture them. Gerard (my character) is however almost utterly useless in combat. Anything outside pistol range he cannot hit. And even inside the range he has a hard time. My friend was playing a character named Zeke, Zeke rocked the uzi's better than anybody else and could kill someone in one round. So he was a monster if he got off all his shots at you.

 

As Gerard and Zeke ( a manipulative backstabbing sob) are sitting in the front seats of a Humvee the mage discovers a nasty looking book in the back of the truck. The sky darkens the wind picks up and the mage gets a evil look on his face (rolled nat 1 on his will save). As Zeke is looking the other way we all point guns towards the mage to keep him at a distance. Mage comes out of his trance and sees the 50.cal pointed at his face. He casts invisibility on himself and starts running away. Two of the more combat oriented characters start running after him (one of the characters is a tracker). Zeke did not see the mage go invisible so he thinks the book ate him. Zeke being a the group coward starts up the Humvee and starts backing away Gerard hops out of the Humvee and runs of to the Tracker. Gerard's simple explanation is

 

"Zeke is driving the Humvee away"

 

The tracker looks at Gerard and simply says "Well then, stop him". Gerard knowing full well that Zeke can kill yells "WITH WHAT!?"

 

Apparently the look on my face is what really did it as the whole table busted a gut laughing so hard.

[Lars Porsenna]

"Oh, well that would explain all that missing time..."

 

Said by my thief Gaiseric (aka "Scrappy") when it was revealed that the string of gruesome murders in the city were done by him while posessed by a demon...

 

Damon.

[Orsino]

Okay, playing a five-year-old psionic firestarter brat of an orphan girl in a Forgotten Realms Alternity campaign...

 

Introduced to the (all-female) party as a street urchin carrying a filthy doll. Talked about the doll as a person, of course: "Sammy says we shouldn't do that." "Sammy doesn't like that." I slipped in an illusion of the doll winking at the wizard character, who immediately started casting Detect Magic and other spells, sure that I was introducing an adventure hook. The ladies tried to wheedle my doll away from me, and I grew louder and more frantic in my refusals. One of them got the bright idea to simply wrest it away from my pitiful 5 strength. The air around us grew warm. I shrieked, in that piercing five-year-old way. The candle at the table flared brightly, and the party grabbed me and evacuated the tavern, now more certain than ever that the doll was some evil artifact. Later, as the players got into the idea of sweet-talking me instead, they were finally able to take the doll after promising to give it the same nice, hot bath they'd bought for me. Heh.

 

The wizard character questioned me later, having calmed down the "evil" little girl, encouraging me to talk about my past by sharing that she, too, was an orphan.

 

"What's that?" I asked.

 

"My parents are both dead," the wizard said, gently.

 

"I didn't do it," I retorted, bringing down the house.

===============================================================================

Same group, but a different all-female cast of PCs in Forgotten Realms. I was introduced as a jester/singer working his passage aboard the ship they were traveling on. I was dispatched with them to an island populated by grimlocks, who had already secured the meteorite we had been sent to recover. They tried negotiating a trade with the grimlock chieftain, who demanded me for the tribal cook-pot: "He look tasty."

 

The good-aligned party demurred. "We can't give you him!" One of the band said, "He would give you indigestion."

 

"Indeed, madam, I excel at that," I interjected, again to general LOLs.

[Kang]

After defeating his deadliest opponent to date by far (ie. his exact double* ) in an underweater duel within the belly of an enormous whale-like contruct, Kang (1/2-orc bbn13/ftr2) swims back up to the surface and gets the rest of the party's attention, then says:

 

"Hey everyone, I finally proved it: I'm so bad, I can kick my own a$$!"

 

Kang

 

*FYI Kang's evil twin had magically burst out of some kind of cursed mirror to attack him, not that it's really relevant to the story.

[bikerdrew]

Last week in our Forgotten Realm campaign our party (12th to 13th level) walked in to a village made of giant mimics that looked like houses. Well, they were tough as nuts, but as the first one (the size of an Inn) started to look shaky - Forello the Bard said "It's at deaths door". The rest of the combat involved many similar house and death/ruin etc puns. I guess you had to be there.

 

In another game, we are hunting a vampire around his 4 story mansion and the gm didn't have enough room on the combat mat to mark-out all the floors next to each other - so he overlaid them in different colours. Confused does not even begin to describe the situation. Since then, what ever game we are playing, at least once a week somebody says 'I think you should do that in a different colour'.

[Glen]

My group was playing in a Star Wars D20 game set pre-episode 4 (Jedis are hunted, branded as dangerous rebels). My character was the Tech guy, thoroughly min/maxed at computer and repair. Anyhow, he got paired up with a Jedi character to go check out the local spaceport. The entry to the spaceport has a scanner that checks for midichlorians. My character and the Jedi party member walk through the scanner, not realizing that it shows the prescence of Midichlorians in the Jedi character. Apparently, Jedi are so rare that the stormtrooper working the scanner has never actually seen the scanner detect Midichlorians before. The stormtrooper begins shaking it and whacking it as if it's not working properly. The Jedi sees this, realizes what the scanner is, and uses his Jedi powers to convince the stormtrooper that the scanner was malfunctioning, and that he can fix it for him. After "fixing" the scanner, they proceed on into the port.

 

The Jedi then reports back to warn the other Jedi character of the possibility of Midichlorian scanner. My character, who knows absolutely nothing about Jedi/Midichlorians, overhears that the scanner showed he had Midichlorians. When the report is finished, my character says, while slowly moving away, "so . . . you got some sort of condition? Is it contagious?"

 

We all busted up laughing at that. It's one of my most fun memories of that group. I miss them! :-(

[Maltique]

Playing a RIFTS game.

 

Yelled at the top of my lungs "I LAUGH IN THE FACE OF DEATH!!!" I hear from behind me, "no you don't I'm over here"

 

yyyea, i wasn't laughing anymore. But, that is what you get for pissing off Death... he shows up.

[haldir]

In my first 3.0 game, I was playing a elven bard that somehow morphed into a archer-extraordinaire. Anyways, there was player who had a human monk, who of course played him like a Shaolin style monk ("pjs", shaved head, bare-feet, etc). Well he was really proud of his character, we just beat a bunch of gobs & hobs & he killed most of them, or at least did in a fashion that was "cool". We were sneaking into a city via a sewer tunnel & of course we were waist deep in the muck & he was laughing until I replied

 

"Umm aren't you bare-footed?"

 

Right then he kinda shut up for awhile.

 

RM

[EntilZha]

In the campaign I'm doing now my sorceress was working in a dungeon filled with infernal extraplanar horrors in cages, including 4 intelligent fiends segregated in their own cells. They tried to tempt her to release them. A Will save was called for, and I rolled a natural 20.

 

After the fiends entreated, "Freeeee ussssss", my character replied, "You can go to Heaven!"

[cerebro1974]

While playing a rouge and taking a large sum of money from the city coffers, one of the players (One of THOSE types) consistantly tried to blackmail my rouge his ill-gotten booty to keep his mouth sut. After an hour of hearing him go on and on I decied I'd hand him over the large pouch full of coins. He chuckled as he decided his character would go out on the town. When the DM described him as being about a block from the tavern I decided it was time to turn the tables.

 

"Guards!!"

 

Using my high charisma I swift talked the guards into believeing he had robbed the coffers, and was bragging all over town.

He went to the jails and I got a reward. Only 1/5th of the treasure I'd originally stole, but it was worth it!

[Yoshi]

Our low level group traveling through some sewers spotted a large group of zombies ahead. I convinced the group that we could easily sneak around them as zombies are stupid. (Bad pun warning) They're retard-dead. I was then beaten to death by my own group.