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This post is going ot be a mixture of ranting and asking questions so bear with me: As it stands I am single...again. I meet a really awesome girl went out and talked a great deal on the phone. Last week she called me and told me she had been talking to her ex again and that while she really liked me she wanted him back. Keep in mind this is the same ex she said that was emotionaly and physicaly abusive to her. Why do women go back to guys like that? Honestly I think I am cursed, I have gone out with 3 girls in the past 6 months all of whom have said they are going back to thier exes. I guess I must have bad luck or I scare them off.

 

Part of my dating issue is I simply have no game, hell a box of rocks has more game than me. I am not the type of guy who has the guts to walk up to the opposite sex and start a conversation. So I will admit I have kind of relied on the net to meet women. The thing is I have no idea what to write in my profile, how to sell my self, and how to respond to other profiles. Also what are some good sites, it seems like all the ones out there you have to spend a large amount of money to join.

 

The real question is does a short, socialy awkward, fat gamer geek have a chance at finding love? I mean I might not be the best one out there, but I know I am the type that will treat a woman like a queen, listen to her problems, share her interested and allow them to become part of my life? Ok I am just rambling on patheticly. Thanks for listening.

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Why do women go back to guys like that?

 

Because, at the moment, they are as messed up as the men who treat them like that. I won't try to explain it, there's little you can do if she's not interested in helping herself.

 

 

The thing is I have no idea what to write in my profile, how to sell my self, and how to respond to other profiles.

 

Just be honest about yourself, what you like and dislike, what you look like, what your hobbies are.

 

The real question is does a short, socialy awkward, fat gamer geek have a chance at finding love?

 

Absolutely. I think one of the good things about internet dating is that email allows you to get to know a person before you meet them face to face. You can develop a relationship, talk about things you have in common, get to know the person which is kind of backwards from the old way of seeing someone and making a judgment on appearance without ever really getting to know them.

 

You may not find a lot of gamer chicks out there, but you should be able to find compatible Larpers, Rennies, movie and anime fans.

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I do agree with Inarah.

I also know for a fact that you are a total sweetheart of a guy and that you deserve a good girl!

Seriously, my thought is about those girls that you have been dating: They obviously don't deserve you and it is THEIR loss, NOT yours.

If they want to be with an abusive guy, then that's their problem and really bad decision making on their part. Also the truth is, while you are a sensitive guy, let's face it, you really don't have room in your life for their excess emotional baggage.

I promise you that you will find love when the time is right. A little hint: it usually happens when you don't look for it or when you least expect it.

:wub:

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Being rejected by the type of women who actively seek out abusive men is NOT a bad thing. It seems like it at the moment, but really really isn't a bad thing. And as Lyn says, you find the best people (not just marriage material, but also friends) when you aren't looking and when you least expect it. My advice is to take it easy, be your self and do things in your free time where you meet new people and do things you enjoy doing with them. In my experience this is where/how the awesome relationships and friendships are found.

Edited by vejlin
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What they said!

Heck, I myself am a geeky anime-fan, rennie, and big rpger girl. We are out there. I promise :devil:

And I will reply to your ramble with one of my own.... (sorry ~ I'm prone to long posts when tired.)

 

I've told friends (and I've seen it work - on others and myself) just work on being happy with you. Is there something you want to improve about yourself? (for you, not because of what others think)? Start working on it, a little at a time (most things don't change quickly). Something you always wanted to learn? Take a class. A cause you support? Volunteer. Heck, if nothing else take some art supplies to the park or hiking and find a nice spot to sit down and draw/paint! But get out there.

 

Don't go out looking for love. No one else will complete you (despite what the love songs say). Because if you're not happy before the gf, you still won't be happy after. When you go chasing after love, people pick up on it and it tends to come off as "desperate". When you are happy with with yourself, and focusing on doing things you enjoy, you are confidant and, well, happy. People like being around confidant, happy people. And then one morning, you'll wake up, stretch, sit up in bed,and **BAM** the 2x4 of love will hit you right between the eyeballs and you'll stagger around the rest of the day wondering what just happened. :;): And it will probably be someone you hadn't been looking at in that light.

 

Don't worry about game. It gets old. It sounds like you want a relationship, not just a fling. From what I've seen, game is used to get the latter. Just help yourself get over your shyness. Being one who can be painfully shy myself, I know it's not easy. But just try saying "hi" to the girl standing in line next to you. No witty banter. No come-ons. No pressure. Just "hi", or "hey". And you can leave it at that, or compliment her shirt/purse/necklace/pick an accessory. Even if it's indirect - "I love that shade of purple" <- but only if you really do. Or comment on the wonderful sunshine today. Simple little things. And don't be upset if nothing happens. Most of the time, you'll just say hi to a stranger. But you might start a conversation. Many girls suffer similar issues as you do, and won't bite your head off for saying hi, and those that do, well, do you really want to date someone like that?

 

As for your latest exes, it's sad but true. There are a lot of theories on why girls end up in abusive relationships. My theory is that it frequently comes down to self-worth. Most girls (in the US at least) don't seem to be raised to stand up for themselves, believe that they must look like the latest toothpick fashion models to qualify as beautiful (and if you're not, then you're worth less as a woman, no matter your other talents), and so forth. So girls end up feeling like they don't deserve something good (like a nice, sweet guy for a bf) because you have to *be* wonderful to have someone wonderful be in love with you. They end up in abusive relationships because they don't feel they deserve anything better, because after you've been in one (or several) it becomes familiar (i.e. habit) and while bad, familiar is comfortable (and thus preferable) compared to something new (and scary) that makes you question if you really deserve all this wonderful stuff (like a fun, sweet bf). There are other reasons, but I've seen this one waaaaay too much.

 

And is there hope for love for geeks and gamers? Absolutely. I met my husband in a Subway Sandwiches. He was the only one on shift. I went in to get a sandwich, which I ate inside because it was cold out, and shared it with my lovebird. I was 2 weeks out of a bad relationship, and guys were no more than other breathing beings to me. He asked how my sandwich was when I brought the tray back to the counter, and was soon talking to my bird. That was almost 17 years ago... :blush:

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I agree with Ayin!! Love comes when you're least expecting it. You also have to love yourself before you can love anybody else. Women have a sixth sense when it comes to guys who are needy or desperate. Not that you are either of those, I'm just speaking from personal experience. I found that when I truly started liking myself for who I was, I exuded a confidence that I'd never had before and I started attracting more women. And more important than that, the right kind of women. NOT the crazies that are attracted to abusive men, and believe me I've had my share of those too :wacko: !!

 

Here's what eventually worked for me. I watched a movie called "20 Dates". It a documentary about this divorced film maker who goes on search to find his soul mate in 20 dates. The interesting thing is that he finds her, not on the 20 dates, but when he's least expecting it. After I saw it I decided i'd give it a try. I'd never done a lot of "dating". Instead I'd gone from one relationship to another with little success. So after seeing this movie I thought "What the heck!" At the worst I'd meet 20 new people and best case scenario, I'd find true love. I went into it with NO EXPECTATIONS (that was the key) other than having fun, meeting people, and trying to figure out what I really wanted in a partner. Well, I found her. She was lucky number 13 :blink: and we've been happily married for the last nine years :wub: .

 

Just focus on the good things about you. Get out there, have some fun, and meet some people. When you can let go and truly enjoy yourself that's when love will find you. ::D:

 

Gene

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I'm in no position to give advice on finding "the one" but my problem is meeting people at all. So to help both of us maybe folks can chime in on just how to find people who would be interesting company.

 

It's sad because I live in a big city and am finding it difficult to find ways to get out by myself. I'm involved at the local game store but the demographic just isn't there for more than acquaintances, I'm finding.

 

Help us!

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The real question is does a short, socialy awkward, fat gamer geek have a chance at finding love?

Absolutely.

 

Like others have mentioned, it's probably best to give up looking for love, though. Instead, look to just have fun. I met my wife of 8 years through a (now defunct) dating site, but that wasn't until after I had given up on finding the "the one" - like you, I got down about it. However, I got lucky at that point - with two of the ladies I had met (both blondes named Lisa, ironically) there were absolutely no sparks, but what felt like friendship - one of them said it best when we talked about it - she said "it's like you're my brother."

 

Even though there was no chance of romance with these two girls, I kept on hanging out with them - we'd go hiking, or out for coffee, I was the date for one the girls company christmas parties. Basically, we became friends. At the same time, I kept on meeting other women online, but because I had the Lisa's to just socialize and relax with, I think I started easing up on what/who I was looking for, and just started meeting women to have a pleasant time getting to know them. Part of the socializing and relaxing with the Lisa's was that we could talk about the other people we were seeing - I could straight up talk to them about the other girls I was meeting, and vice versa.*

 

The other thing that changed at that point was that instead of finding someone online and spending a month or more getting to know them online and by phone before meeting them face to face, I became much more open to meeting them face to face sooner. It's not like I started asking "Hey, do you want to meet up" right away, I just didn't freak out if the subject came up. Which is a good thing, because my wife and I only chatted for a week before we met in person. I think I became more open to it simply because I started having lesser expectations of what to get out of it. Instead of going into the date/get-together worrying if "she could be the one", I went in thinking more - "hey, it will be a good meal with pleasant company" and stuff like that.

 

 

It's sad because I live in a big city and am finding it difficult to find ways to get out by myself. I'm involved at the local game store but the demographic just isn't there for more than acquaintances, I'm finding.

 

Help us!

Depending on what you are into, the Denver Metro area has a huge number of activities you can get involved in. For gaming, I'd cosider the RPGA, it seems like there events going on all over the city. But I'd actually recommend looking outside your gaming interests - Denver has a lot of what I would call "closet gamers" that enjoy gaming but don't regularly hang out in the gaming venues. Out of the local people I've gamed with in the last couple of years, maybe 1 in 20 have actually attended a denver con.

 

If you like hiking and outdoor stuff, there is the Colorado Mountain Club

If you like sailing, Cherry Creek, Sloan's Lake and Chatfield all have active sailing groups (both formal and informal).

Colorado has one of the highest per capita pet ownership in the nation, which translates to a lot of dog parks. A lot of those dog owners are single.

There are lots of book and writing clubs meeting at various bookstores around the area

There are ATV and Motorcycle clubs, quilting groups - pretty much if you name an activity, Denver has a group for it.

 

So for you Rastl (and actually Beowulf, too), pick an activity or two you're interested in and find a group to enjoy it with. Don't pick it assuming you'll meet someone, pick it because it's something you'll enjoy doing regardless of whether you meet someone. In the long run that will make you happier and widen your circle of friends.

 

----

*all three of us met "the one" about the same time, and we stopped hanging out shortly after we realized things were getting serious. I run into one of them from time to time, and we catch up quickly one what's happened to us since those days. One of them is still with the guy she met, the other has moved on a couple times since then.

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Ayin is very much on target. "Needy," "Desperate," "Clingy," these are all MAJOR turnoffs, both for men and for women. A little confidence can go a long way. It's worth mentioning that after several relationships went sour on me (including a nasty breakup with a fiancee), I finally decided the hell with it, I was going to be a bachelor all my life.

 

At this point, a lady friend of mine tricked me into talking to a girl she was trying to set me up with. I'd been avoiding this girl like the plague -- my lady friend had set me up with some EXTREMELY bizarre and unpleasant dates in the past -- but this one sounded okay over the phone, so I went out with her. We wound up staying up all night talking. Been married going on seventeen years now. I gave up and said the hell with it... and it worked!

 

It's worth noting, though, that my darling wife had ALSO been through several ugly relationships, and was READY for someone who was gonna treat her like a princess. Why do they like the bad boys? Because bad boys are confident, risky (and therefore sexy), and because every woman alive thinks she can tame 'im. It's only after getting beat around a few times (emotionally and/or physically) that they begin to pick up on the fallacy. And some never do.

 

Emo boys only draw emo chicks, and even then, only if they look like Robert Pattinson. Cowboy up, have some confidence, TALK TO WOMEN, and be who you are. Oh, and while we're at it, TALK TO WOMEN. I find they don't come around looking for you, as a rule. You have to talk to them.

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I agree with Ayin!! Love comes when you're least expecting it. You also have to love yourself before you can love anybody else. Women have a sixth sense when it comes to guys who are needy or desperate. Not that you are either of those, I'm just speaking from personal experience. I found that when I truly started liking myself for who I was, I exuded a confidence that I'd never had before and I started attracting more women. And more important than that, the right kind of women. NOT the crazies that are attracted to abusive men, and believe me I've had my share of those too :wacko: !!

Seconded.

The real trick is getting comfortable with yourself first.

This is actually much harder than a lot of people think and it usually comes with either age, experience or a lot of deep self examination.

General Rules:

-Never pretend to be something you're not. Be you. I re-emphasize this: BE YOU.

-Do not try to be what she wants you to be, unless you really want to be it, you will be miserable.

-Never go out looking for love, go out to have fun. When you are looking for it, you tend to come across as desperate and tend to ignore the little red flags that the psychos give off.

-Treat all women as friends rather than sex objects, even the ones you only want to have sex with. Unless, you're really good at BSing and can pull off the innuendo without coming across as creepy. I can pull this off with my female friends and they know I'm full of Crap. Imagine Sawyer from Lost. If you're good at flirting, it's harmless fun, if you're bad it can totally screw up the vibe.

-If you have close true friends, let them meet the girl (or guy for ladies)listen to what they think. They are not as invested in her so will be more impartial and pick up the things you might be ignoring.

-Always, always be honest about your intentions. If you are just looking for a fling, say so. Some girls will not be interested, some will, but at least you don't end up trampling on someone's feelings.

 

Personally, I've come up with the theory that ALL women want me...

 

 

 

 

 

 

to take out the trash, to paint the house, to mow the grass...

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A few thoughts on the topic...

 

A lot of women do seem to want to be with jerks. I'm not sure why, but I think many of us gain an increasing appreciation for nice guys as we age and tire of the crap.

 

Also if you're hearing from only one side, sometimes the jerk isn't as jerky as he sounds. I ran an online RPG game for years. One of the women told endless tales of her relationship woes, and her boyfriend sounded like he was just this edge of jailable abuser. Later I became friends with (and then married) a friend she knew in the real world that she got on to the game. Come to find out that in reality, her boyfriend was a pretty decent guy. They had a fiery relationship, but a good deal of it came from her end, and it was she who had turned physically abusive on occasion. Years later the guy is still paying child support, and the fact that she won't formalize the divorce has ended at least one of his subsequent relationships. My hubby lived with them for a while, and is not the kind of guy to just take the guy's side or see all women as witches, so I consider his account pretty reliable. Part of what she said came out of her own issues, and I think part of it was to inflame the sympathies and gain the assistance of male friends on the game, at least one of whom she kept on the hook half in love with her for a couple of years.

 

I disagree that you need to be happy and confident in yourself as a person to be ready to find love. I'm not saying it's a bad plan of attack, and I certainly agree that finding love isn't going to solve all the other problems in your life so why not work on those while you're looking. But I know for myself that feeling like I would have to fix myself and achieve happiness before I could even think about finding a good relationship... well, that only depressed me more and made the goal feel further off sometimes. ;->

 

I do completely agree that you need to NOT be focused body, mind and soul on finding 'the one'. I don't know if it's because of a desperate vibe, or because your own mind will start to turn too much or what. But having another focus like self-improvement,or being able to shift your thought process so you're not totally invested from minute one, or having people in your life who fulfill some of what you want from a relationship helps. Kristof having the Lisas for 'dating lite' is a great example of that. I've seen it go the other way where someone starts getting serious relationship opportunities after getting into a friends with benefits situation. In both cases, I think what's happening is that you've got some of the needs met in another way, so you don't have to project ALL of these pressures and expectations and hopes and dreams so fiercely on to this one person you just met and how can that not go wrong in some way or another.

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Also if you're hearing from only one side, sometimes the jerk isn't as jerky as he sounds.

Absolute truth.

In every relationship that fails there are three sides to the story.

His Side, Her Side, and the truth which generally lies between.

 

I'm not saying that he or she intentionally lies about the other. People have a remarkable talent for justifying and actually believing that they are the victim or not at fault. A breakup also tends to hurt the self esteem, and a lot of people can't deal with that, so they convert this to anger, as it is far easier to be angry at someone than face your own faults.

 

 

@Wren: It's not so much liking yourself, or even being comfortable, as much as it is accepting that you are who and what you are, and what you are and are not capable of. Even this leads to almost a Zen like level of realization, a familiarity with yourself, unfortunately this usually comes with age. Women generally reach maturity faster than Men, but Men tend to reach this self familiarity and comfort with who they are sooner.

IE:)My wife constantly felt the need to be accepted by my family and friends, and would try too hard to be liked, I never tried with hers, they either accepted me or they did not. She is finally coming into the realization that ultimately, it doesn't matter if other people accept her or not, what matters is that we accept each other.

The realization of this fact makes it easier to determine the things you will and will not accept in a relationship. It also helps you in deciding what you need in a relationship. It also tends to cut out a lot of unneeded drama.

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I disagree that you need to be happy and confident in yourself as a person to be ready to find love.

<snip>

But having another focus like self-improvement,or being able to shift your thought process so you're not totally invested from minute one, or having people in your life who fulfill some of what you want from a relationship helps.

<snip>

In both cases, I think what's happening is that you've got some of the needs met in another way, so you don't have to project ALL of these pressures and expectations and hopes and dreams so fiercely on to this one person you just met and how can that not go wrong in some way or another.

These all go hand in hand. It's not that you need to be happy and confident with yourself to find love, you just need to project that image. A great way to project that image, even if you don't realize you're doing so is by having some of your other needs met in another way - IE, having just casual friends, hobbies, etc.

 

Even if you're sitting at home miserable eating ice cream every saturday night, when you have things to talk about that are more about what kind of things you actually do makes you come across as more happy and confident on the subconcious level. Which is a level people really pick up on - and the thing is, even thoush you still feel like you're not happy and confident, you are much more so than before.

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Part of my dating issue is I simply have no game, hell a box of rocks has more game than me. I am not the type of guy who has the guts to walk up to the opposite sex and start a conversation. So I will admit I have kind of relied on the net to meet women. The thing is I have no idea what to write in my profile, how to sell my self, and how to respond to other profiles. Also what are some good sites, it seems like all the ones out there you have to spend a large amount of money to join.

 

The real question is does a short, socialy awkward, fat gamer geek have a chance at finding love? I mean I might not be the best one out there, but I know I am the type that will treat a woman like a queen, listen to her problems, share her interested and allow them to become part of my life? Ok I am just rambling on patheticly. Thanks for listening.

 

I must interject with something else.

Get off the net for this.

Seriously, learn to be social, learn to communicate, it's a talent that is dying due to the internet.

Body language, tone, facial expression are all important parts of our communication. The internet does not convey these things well at all.

It is a skill that can be learned, in reality, I was very introverted, I like staying home, but I can and will strike up a conversation with a complete stranger in line at a fast food joint. Once, you start learning to communicate, you'll find you start enjoying it.

The more you do it, the more confident you will be.

The more you like communicating, the more people will like communicating with you.

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