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Things I Have Learned From...


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Things I have learned from Unreal Tournament:

*Dogs are indestructible.

*It is possible to jump while in midair.


Things I have learned from Postal II:

*Dogs are not indestructible.

*A lot more people carry small arms than you'd think.

*Small towns have entire armies of police officers, but no fire department whatsoever.

*Fast food is good for you.


Things I have learned from watching bad Hong Kong action movies:

*Much like zombies, you cannot be certain that a crook is dead until he's been shot in the head.

*Babies are completely unfazed by the sound of gunfire.

*You can fly, if you're angry enough.

*Explosives are pretty much harmless, except to inanimate objects.

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Things I have learned from fiction:


  • Do not be a mentor - you must always die in the end, in order to make the main protagonist stand on his/her own two feet - unless you're Gandalf Greyhame.
  • Do not be part of a George R.R. Martin series, unless you want to die.
  • Watch out for left-handed swordsmen, just in case they're not really left-handed.
  • Whether or not I intended to destroy the enemy's flagship/homebase, I will not utter the word "Oops," when I did.
  • Constant thrust = Constant velocity in space.


More to come as I think of them.


My 2 yen,



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The single thing I learned the best from watching TV as a kid:


Any problem, no matter how major, can be solved within 44 minutes. Sometimes even 22. This can include cancer, death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, or relatively minor things such as breaking up with someone you've only dated for a week, dying your hair the wrong color, or not wanting to go to your friends' favorite restaurant.


All problems, no matter how big or small, are of equivalent severity and are equal cause for concern.

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From assorted video games:


  • Always pick a fight with a huge collection of people; one or two will work together, flanking and weaving...with many, they'll form a circle and wait for their comrades to die before jumping in.
  • Cars do not like losing; they become more powerful the further behind they are.
  • Snagging an inch-wide ledge with your fingertips, even when falling at terminal velocity, will safely stop your momentum...as long as your intention is to free-run while doing it.
  • It's more convenient to carry loose cartridges to refill barely-used magazines than it is to need that 'empty' spot in the magazine.
  • As a male, the more obnoxious and clunky your armor is, the more protection it offers. Because of this, Iron Man is nearly invincible, weakened only by his ability to move around.
  • As a female, a couple strips of metal barely better than a thong and pasties will offer far more protection than a full suit of kevlar beneath plate mail. Because of this, strippers are invulnerable.
  • The most grevious crime in the world is to sleep in someone else's bed; murder, larceny, and wanton destruction are just fine.
  • It's possible to carry 255 gems, a bow, a sword, two potions, two rings, a lit candle, a raft, a ladder, 25 bombs, two shields, and a letter to a little old lady without a backpack, cart, or creating bulges in your tunic. Just don't ask *where*.
  • The police are useless. Crime can only be stopped by the actions of a small team of vigilantes involving three to seven of the following: the Aryan ideal, a sex symbol, a racial stereotype, a robot/cyborg, a plucky kid that's inexplicably capable of going toe to toe with the others, an animal mascot, a stoic old man, a martial artist, and a professional wrestler.
  • Ancient evils are everywhere, waiting to awaken...and it can only be defeated after a coming-of-age epic undertaken by a previously carefree child.
  • Every city has at least three crime syndicates, whom rigorously obey territory borders and have exactly zero influence beyond them.
  • Anything can be repaired by smacking it with a wrench enough times or holding an angle grinder against it long enough.
  • The speed of light varies based on the destructive potential of its application; a laser sight reaches its target instantly, while a laser cannon flies with all the velocity of a thrown snowball.
  • Nobody in a position of power fights like they mean it until they're on death's door.
  • A punch in the back is worth thirty bullets in the chest.
  • Sleep cures all wounds, unless they're inflicted for cinematic reasons.
  • Ominous music is never to be ignored. It always plays for a reason.
  • Anyone with truly nefarious plans will always be honorable enough to scrap their ambitions if they can be beaten in a tournament of fisticuffs.
  • Anything terrible that happens in the world will be foretold in prophecy centuries in advance.
  • ...unless that world has guns. If it does, the hero will only rise to stand against lesser, secondary threats.
  • Pirates are lovable, cheeky, plucky, and commonly out for revenge, hated only by the corrupt.
  • Never trust a decorated war hero; they're almost always secretly the greatest villain the world has ever seen.


I'll stop now...might do more if the thread takes off. ::D:


[Edited for formatting]

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From Elder Scrolls: Oblivion


You can kill ANYTHING with one shot with a crappy rusty iron bow and rusty arrows so long as you are sneaking. Not even the most heavily enchanted armor can prevent this.


No matter how big a creature is, if you hit it with an enchanted weapon. It will fly straight up into the air and then land, dead, with a sickening, squishy thud at your feet. This effect is nullified by already dead creatures.


Dead bodies make wonderful doorstops.


If you walk into a city wearing Nocturnal's Cowl. The guards WILL kill you. Period.

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From Mortal Kombat:

If Bo Rai Cho is barfing continually, don't step in it, don't go anywhere near it.


From Fable:

If you don't learn to Block, you will look seriously messed up when you get old.


From movies and games in general:

Laws of physics are easily negotiable and when the situation demands it, non-existant.


From Morrowind:

Don't ever try on a House Redoran Guard's Helm to 'see how it looks', there will be no discussion, no bribe, no jail time, there will be only death. And they will pass it on to every city you try to enter. You will need to learn levitation or how to not save over this faux pas.


From games in general:

You only get 1 life UP so choose your adventures wisely!

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From games in general:

You only get 1 life UP so choose your adventures wisely!


Whoa, whoa, whoa... wait a sec... only 1 life UP? What about the green mushroom? :lol:


Oh, and to add that to the list...


Eating green mushrooms will give you a life! (Super Mario Anything)

But you always begin the game as a human with no class. Heh. (Munchkin Anything)


My 2 yen,



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From the first two Warcraft games:

*Pig farms are much, much harder to destroy than guard towers.


From the Half-Life games:

*Whenever you find an area loaded with health packs, weapons, and ammunition, be very, very afraid. You're about to have your head torn off and handed to you.


From Warhammer 40,000:

*Once a species develops precision teleportation, they lose the ability to build any kind of vehicle that transports troops.


From Civilization (PC version):

*Enemy diplomats can be seen from orbit.


From TITAN (old Avalon Hill board game)

*Any given forest contains an infinite number of rangers.

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From the first two Warcraft games:

*Pig farms are much, much harder to destroy than guard towers.


Zug zug!


Oh, and I learned that there are little actual programs inside my computer fighting for their lives each time I play a game. I wonder how many I've derezzed due to poor play.


My 2 yen,



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Again, from Unreal Tournament:

*Australia is infested with kangaroos, to the point where they outnumber trees.

*Kangaroos are indestructible.

*Vegemite heals wounds.

*There are Australian pop groups that consist of nothing but vocalists and didjeridoo players.

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...okay, kangaroos are not indestructible. They can be killed by running over them with tanks. Haven't tried this with the dog, because there are no tanks to drive in Deathmatch mode.


From Goldeneye:007:

*If struck hard enough, most office furniture will explode.


From MOST video games, starting with "Donkey Kong" and continuing to the present day:

*Barrels will explode.

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...from "Zombie Lane" on Facebook:


*Zombies really, really hate fences.

*I am indestructible.

*The fatter you are, the harder you are to kill.

*Some gourmet dishes use energy drinks as an ingredient.

*You can't build firebombs unless you have a dog to teach you how.

*Some zombies are bulletproof... but vulnerable to oven mitts soaked in motor oil and set afire.

*Waitresses are tougher than sporting goods salesmen.

*Zombies are litterbugs.

*Pumpkins are an extremely profitable crop.

*Dogs can harvest pumpkins for you.

*In the event of a zombie apocalypse, everyone ELSE will stand around and do nothing, and expect YOU to rebuild civilization from scratch, by yourself, and at your own expense.


Now that I think about it, maybe that last one isn't too far fetched...


Edit: ...and if you eat enough food items... and kill enough zombies with improvised weapons... you too can become a Jedi In A Chicken Suit.wacko.gif

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