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There's one called "Chevrolet"!

 

One of the lines: "Suddenly, we're not half the firm we used to be- since these imports came across the sea, our sales have dropped dramatically."

 

 

Nonsense lyrics to annoy your friends in the middle of their favorite chart songs, but you have to really SING them.

 

"somebody farted in here" goes nicely into that Black Eyed Peas song.

"electric to-aster" can be dropped right into "Electrical Storm" by U2.

"looking so slutty right now" describes Beyonce's vid-clip look in "Crazy Right Now"

 

 

Remember, it's the stupid, childish and not especially funny nature of these lyrics that achieves MAXIMUM ANNOYANCE when they get stuck in your victim's head.

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Mojo Nixon - "Elvis is Everywhere"

 

When I look out into your eyes out there,

When I look out into your faces,

You know what I see?

I see a little bit of Elvis

In each and every one of you out there.

 

Lemme tell ya...

Weeeeeeeeeellllllll...

 

Elvis is everywhere

Elvis is everything

Elvis is everybody

Elvis is still the king

 

Man o man

What I want you to see

Is that the big E's

Inside of you and me

 

Elvis is everywhere, man!

He's in everything.

He's in everybody...

 

Elvis is in your jeans.

He's in your cheesburgers

Elvis is in Nutty Buddies!

Elvis is in your mom!

 

He's in everybody.

He's in the young, the old,

the fat, the skinny,

the white, the black

the brown and the blue

people got Elvis in 'em too

 

Elvis is in everybody out there.

Everybody's got Elvis in them!

Everybody except one person that is...

Yeah, one person!

The evil opposite of Elvis.

The Anti-Elvis

 

Anti-Elvis got no Elvis in 'em,

lemme tell ya.

 

Michael J. Fox has no Elvis in him.

 

And Elvis is in Joan Rivers

but he's trying to get out, man!

He's trying to get out!

Listen up Joanie Baby!

 

Elvis is everywhere

Elvis is everything

Elvis is everybody

Elvis is still the king

 

Man o man

What I want you to see

Is that the big E's

Inside of you and me

 

Man, there's a lot of unexplained phenomenon

out there in the world.

Lot of things people say

What the heck's going on?

 

Let me tell ya!

 

Who built the pyramids?

ELVIS!

Who built Stonehenge?

ELVIS!

 

Yeah, man you see guys

walking down the street

pushing shopping carts

and you think they're talking to allah,

they're talking to themself.

Man, no they're talking to ELVIS!

ELVIS! ELVIS!

 

You know whats going on in that Bermuda Triangle?

Down in the Bermuda Traingle

Elvis needs boats.

Elvis needs boats.

Elvis Elvis Elvis

Elvis Elvis Elvis

Elvis needs boats.

 

Aahh! The Sailing Elvis!

Captain Elvis!

Commodore Elvis it is.

 

Yeah man, you know people from outer space,

people from outer space they come up to me.

They don't look like like Doctor Spock.

They don't look like Klingons,

all that Star Trek jive.

 

They look like Elvis.

ELVIS!

Everybody in outer space looks like Elvis.

Cause Elvis is a perfect being.

We are all moving in perfect peace and harmony towards Elvisness

 

Soon all will become Elvis.

Everything everywhere will be Elvis.

Why do you think they call it evolution anyway?

It's really Elvislution!

Elvislution!

 

Elvis is everywhere

Elvis is everything

Elvis is everybody

Elvis is still the king

 

Man o man

What I want you to see

Is that the big E's

Inside of you and me

 

That's right ladies and gentlemen,

The time has come!

Time has come to talk

To that little bit of Elvis inside of you.

 

Talk to it!

Call it up!

Say "Elvis, heal me!"

"Save me, Elvis!"

"Make me be born again

in the perfect Elvis light"

 

That's right!

You've got that Elvis inside of ya

and he's talkin to ya

He says he wants you to sing!

Everybody's got to sing like the king!

 

Like the king

Get that leg going now

Get your lip too.

Not no fool Billy Idol lip either

Everybody!

Yeah, we're rockin now!

 

Elvis is with us.

He's with us and he's speaking to us.

He says "Peoples!"

"Peoples!"

"Everybody!"

"Everybody got to sing!"

 

Elvis is everywhere

Elvis is everything

Elvis is everybody

Elvis is still the king

 

Man o man

What I want you to see

Is that the big E's

Inside of you and me

 

Elvis is everywhere

Elvis is everything

Elvis is everybody

Elvis is still the king

 

Man o man

What I want you to see

Is that the big E's

Inside of you and me

 

Elvis!

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CW McCall (otherwise known as Maneheim Steamroller) - "Black Bear Road" (sung as a sort of fast talking story with bluegrass accompanyment)

 

Me an' R.J. an' the kids was on a camp out in the mountains, an' we had us one a' them U-Drive-'Em Army Jeep cars which we had rented from a fella by the name a' Kuboske for thirty bucks a day, buy yer gas along the way, take a rabbit's foot, an' leave a pint a' blood for a deeposit

 

An' he'd 'splained it all to us how we's 'sposed to git to Telluride, which was fifty miles away by way of the regular highway, HOWEVER there was a short-cut, BUT, unless we had drove the Black Bear Road before, we'd be, well, we'd be better off to stay in bed an' sleep late (now pay no 'ttention to the guitar there)

 

Well we took up off'n th' highway, an we come upon a sign sez "Black Bear Road - You Don't Have To Be Crazy To Drive This Road, But It Helps", I sez to, R.J. this must be the short cut road Kuboske's a talkin' about. She didn't pay no mind 'cause she's busy makin peanut butter sanwiches for the kids in the back seat, throwin' rocks, an' drinkin' KoolAid, an' playing "Count The License Plates On Cars", but they wasn't a havin' too much fun playin' Count The License Plates On Cars, well 'cause there wern't no other cars

 

Went about a mile an' a half, in about four hours, busted off the right front fender, an' tore a hole in the oil pan on a rock as big as a hall closet, went over a bump an' spilt the Kool-Aid, an' Roy Gene stuck his bolo knife right through the convertible top, an' the dog threw up all over the back seat (peanut butter don't agree with him see)

 

So we had to stop, an' take off the top, an' air everything out, an' clean it up. The dog run off, an' R.J. sez she felt her asthma comin' on. I's settin' there wonderin' what to do, when the en-tire scenic San-Gee-Juan U-Drive-'Em Army Jeep Car sank in the mud (at thirteen thousand feet above sea level!)

 

Well we shoveled it out, an' ate our lunch, the dog made a yellow hole in the snow, an' Roy Gene got out his Instamatic an' took a snapshot of it. Mary Elizabeth drawed a picture of the road. It looked like a whole bunch of Zs an' Ws all strung together, an' R.J. took one look at that picture, and said the only way she's goin' down that Jeep car road 'as over her dead body, an' then a rock slipped out from under the wheel, and the U-Drive-'Em Army Jeep Car, well it went right over, right over the edge of a cliff (Whah-Haa-Haa-Haa-Hoo-Hoo-Hoo)

 

Doggonit Roy Gene, how many times do I have to 'xplain it to ya, when I tell ya to put a rock under the wheel, I mean ROCK, now look at that what you had there ain't no bigger then a grapefruit !

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You've got to love Arlo Guthrie...

 

Alice's Restaurant

 

This song is called Alice's Restaurant, and it's about Alice, and the

restaurant, but Alice's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant,

that's just the name of the song, and that's why I called the song Alice's

Restaurant.

 

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant

Walk right in it's around the back

Just a half a mile from the railroad track

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant

 

Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago, was on - two years ago on

Thanksgiving, when my friend and I went up to visit Alice at the

restaurant, but Alice doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives in the

church nearby the restaurant, in the bell-tower, with her husband Ray and

Fasha the dog. And livin' in the bell tower like that, they got a lot of

room downstairs where the pews used to be in. Havin' all that room,

seein' as how they took out all the pews, they decided that they didn't

have to take out their garbage for a long time.

 

We got up there, we found all the garbage in there, and we decided it'd be

a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the city dump. So

we took the half a ton of garbage, put it in the back of a red VW

microbus, took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed

on toward the city dump.

 

Well we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across across the

dump saying, "Closed on Thanksgiving." And we had never heard of a dump

closed on Thanksgiving before, and with tears in our eyes we drove off

into the sunset looking for another place to put the garbage.

 

We didn't find one. Until we came to a side road, and off the side of the

side road there was another fifteen foot cliff and at the bottom of the

cliff there was another pile of garbage. And we decided that one big pile

is better than two little piles, and rather than bring that one up we

decided to throw our's down.

 

That's what we did, and drove back to the church, had a thanksgiving

dinner that couldn't be beat, went to sleep and didn't get up until the

next morning, when we got a phone call from officer Obie. He said, "Kid,

we found your name on an envelope at the bottom of a half a ton of

garbage, and just wanted to know if you had any information about it." And

I said, "Yes, sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie, I put that envelope

under that garbage."

 

After speaking to Obie for about fourty-five minutes on the telephone we

finally arrived at the truth of the matter and said that we had to go down

and pick up the garbage, and also had to go down and speak to him at the

police officer's station. So we got in the red VW microbus with the

shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the

police officer's station.

 

Now friends, there was only one or two things that Obie coulda done at

the police station, and the first was he could have given us a medal for

being so brave and honest on the telephone, which wasn't very likely, and

we didn't expect it, and the other thing was he could have bawled us out

and told us never to be see driving garbage around the vicinity again,

which is what we expected, but when we got to the police officer's station

there was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was

both immediately arrested. Handcuffed. And I said "Obie, I don't think I

can pick up the garbage with these handcuffs on." He said, "Shut up, kid.

Get in the back of the patrol car."

 

And that's what we did, sat in the back of the patrol car and drove to the

quote Scene of the Crime unquote. I want tell you about the town of

Stockbridge, Massachusets, where this happened here, they got three stop

signs, two police officers, and one police car, but when we got to the

Scene of the Crime there was five police officers and three police cars,

being the biggest crime of the last fifty years, and everybody wanted to

get in the newspaper story about it. And they was using up all kinds of

cop equipment that they had hanging around the police officer's station.

They was taking plaster tire tracks, foot prints, dog smelling prints, and

they took twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles

and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each

one was to be used as evidence against us. Took pictures of the approach,

the getaway, the northwest corner the southwest corner and that's not to

mention the aerial photography.

 

After the ordeal, we went back to the jail. Obie said he was going to put

us in the cell. Said, "Kid, I'm going to put you in the cell, I want your

wallet and your belt." And I said, "Obie, I can understand you wanting my

wallet so I don't have any money to spend in the cell, but what do you

want my belt for?" And he said, "Kid, we don't want any hangings." I

said, "Obie, did you think I was going to hang myself for littering?"

Obie said he was making sure, and friends Obie was, cause he took out the

toilet seat so I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown, and he took

out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars roll out the - roll the

toilet paper out the window, slide down the roll and have an escape. Obie

was making sure, and it was about four or five hours later that Alice

(remember Alice? It's a song about Alice), Alice came by and with a few

nasty words to Obie on the side, bailed us out of jail, and we went back

to the church, had a another thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat,

and didn't get up until the next morning, when we all had to go to court.

 

We walked in, sat down, Obie came in with the twenty seven eight-by-ten

colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back

of each one, sat down. Man came in said, "All rise." We all stood up,

and Obie stood up with the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy

pictures, and the judge walked in sat down with a seeing eye dog, and he

sat down, we sat down. Obie looked at the seeing eye dog, and then at the

twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows

and a paragraph on the back of each one, and looked at the seeing eye dog.

And then at twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles

and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one and began to cry,

'cause Obie came to the realization that it was a typical case of American

blind justice, and there wasn't nothing he could do about it, and the

judge wasn't going to look at the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy

pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each

one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us. And

we was fined $50 and had to pick up the garbage in the snow, but thats not

what I came to tell you about.

 

Came to talk about the draft.

 

They got a building down New York City, it's called Whitehall Street,

where you walk in, you get injected, inspected, detected, infected,

neglected and selected. I went down to get my physical examination one

day, and I walked in, I sat down, got good and drunk the night before, so

I looked and felt my best when I went in that morning. `Cause I wanted to

look like the all-American kid from New York City, man I wanted, I wanted

to feel like the all-, I wanted to be the all American kid from New York,

and I walked in, sat down, I was hung down, brung down, hung up, and all

kinds o' mean nasty ugly things. And I waked in and sat down and they gave

me a piece of paper, said, "Kid, see the phsychiatrist, room 604."

 

And I went up there, I said, "Shrink, I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I

wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and

guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill,

KILL, KILL." And I started jumpin up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL," and

he started jumpin up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down

yelling, "KILL, KILL." And the sargent came over, pinned a medal on me,

sent me down the hall, said, "You're our boy."

 

Didn't feel too good about it.

 

Proceeded on down the hall gettin more injections, inspections,

detections, neglections and all kinds of stuff that they was doin' to me

at the thing there, and I was there for two hours, three hours, four

hours, I was there for a long time going through all kinds of mean nasty

ugly things and I was just having a tough time there, and they was

inspecting, injecting every single part of me, and they was leaving no

part untouched. Proceeded through, and when I finally came to the see the

last man, I walked in, walked in sat down after a whole big thing there,

and I walked up and said, "What do you want?" He said, "Kid, we only got

one question. Have you ever been arrested?"

 

And I proceeded to tell him the story of the Alice's Restaurant Massacre,

with full orchestration and five part harmony and stuff like that and all

the phenome... - and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, did you ever

go to court?"

 

And I proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty seven eight-by-ten

colour glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and the paragraph on

the back of each one, and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, I want

you to go and sit down on that bench that says Group W .... NOW kid!!"

 

And I, I walked over to the, to the bench there, and there is, Group W's

where they put you if you may not be moral enough to join the army after

committing your special crime, and there was all kinds of mean nasty ugly

looking people on the bench there. Mother rapers. Father stabbers. Father

rapers! Father rapers sitting right there on the bench next to me! And

they was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible crime-type guys sitting on the

bench next to me. And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest

father raper of them all, was coming over to me and he was mean 'n' ugly

'n' nasty 'n' horrible and all kind of things and he sat down next to me

and said, "Kid, whad'ya get?" I said, "I didn't get nothing, I had to pay

$50 and pick up the garbage." He said, "What were you arrested for, kid?"

And I said, "Littering." And they all moved away from me on the bench

there, and the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean nasty things, till I

said, "And creating a nuisance." And they all came back, shook my hand,

and we had a great time on the bench, talkin about crime, mother stabbing,

father raping, all kinds of groovy things that we was talking about on the

bench. And everything was fine, we was smoking cigarettes and all kinds of

things, until the Sargeant came over, had some paper in his hand, held it

up and said.

 

"Kids, this-piece-of-paper's-got-47-words-37-sentences-58-words-we-wanna-

know-details-of-the-crime-time-of-the-crime-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-

you-gotta-say-pertaining-to-and-about-the-crime-I-want-to-know-arresting-

officer's-name-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-you-gotta-say", and talked for

forty-five minutes and nobody understood a word that he said, but we had

fun filling out the forms and playing with the pencils on the bench there,

and I filled out the massacre with the four part harmony, and wrote it

down there, just like it was, and everything was fine and I put down the

pencil, and I turned over the piece of paper, and there, there on the

other side, in the middle of the other side, away from everything else on

the other side, in parentheses, capital letters, quotated, read the

following words:

 

("KID, HAVE YOU REHABILITATED YOURSELF?")

 

I went over to the sargent, said, "Sargeant, you got a lot a damn gall to

ask me if I've rehabilitated myself, I mean, I mean, I mean that just, I'm

sittin' here on the bench, I mean I'm sittin here on the Group W bench

'cause you want to know if I'm moral enough join the army, burn women,

kids, houses and villages after bein' a litterbug." He looked at me and

said, "Kid, we don't like your kind, and we're gonna send you fingerprints

off to Washington."

 

And friends, somewhere in Washington enshrined in some little folder, is a

study in black and white of my fingerprints. And the only reason I'm

singing you this song now is cause you may know somebody in a similar

situation, or you may be in a similar situation, and if your in a

situation like that there's only one thing you can do and that's walk into

the shrink wherever you are ,just walk in say "Shrink, You can get

anything you want, at Alice's restaurant.". And walk out. You know, if

one person, just one person does it they may think he's really sick and

they won't take him. And if two people, two people do it, in harmony,

they may think they're both faggots and they won't take either of them.

And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking in

singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out. They may think it's an

organization. And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day,I said

fifty people a day walking in singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and

walking out. And friends they may thinks it's a movement.

 

And that's what it is , the Alice's Restaurant Anti-Massacre Movement, and

all you got to do to join is sing it the next time it come's around on the

guitar.

 

With feeling. So we'll wait for it to come around on the guitar, here and

sing it when it does. Here it comes.

 

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

Walk right in it's around the back

Just a half a mile from the railroad track

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

 

That was horrible. If you want to end war and stuff you got to sing loud.

I've been singing this song now for twenty five minutes. I could sing it

for another twenty five minutes. I'm not proud... or tired.

 

So we'll wait till it comes around again, and this time with four part

harmony and feeling.

 

We're just waitin' for it to come around is what we're doing.

 

All right now.

 

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

Excepting Alice

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

Walk right in it's around the back

Just a half a mile from the railroad track

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

 

Da da da da da da da dum

At Alice's Restaurant

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And I found the lyrics...

 

Leprosy.

That old rotten man just touched my knee.

Now my flesh is falling off of me.

Oh, I think I got leprosy.

 

Suddenly

I'm just half the man I used to be.

There are pieces coming off of me.

Yes, leprosy came suddenly.

 

Why'd my arm fall off?

I don't know, no one will say.

I know something's wrong,

'cause my leg just walked away (without me.)

 

Yesterday,

I could always lounge the time away.

Now my bed is in a slimy way,

Oh, leprosy's ruined my day.

 

Why did I get cursed

with this rot? I need to hide.

I'm sure I'm diseased

for my spleen fell out my side. (ooooohhhh.)

 

Leprosy

has become a big problem for me.

All my friends now run away from me.

Oh how I hate this leprosy.

 

Ewwwwwwww, this is gross.

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Interesting...I've heard Alice's a few times on the radio and such, but apparently it always ended in the middle. When I've heard it it ended at the $50 fine...this is the first time I've seen his draft lyrics.

I've always heard the full version, but then I never heard it on the radio except a few times on holidays like Thanksgiving or Christmas. The part that always stuck with me was the "jumping up and down yelling KILL!! KILL!!"

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Hehe! My older brother introduced me to Alice's Restaurant when I was in high school. I always got a kick out of that song.

 

and now for another memorable lyric!

 

"My name is Ted,

and one day,

I'll be dead yo yo yo"

 

"I want to be a Cowboy" by Boys Don't Cry

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Remember when you ran away and I got on my knees and begged you not to

leave because I'd go berserk?? Well...

You left me anyhow and then the days got worse and worse and now you see

I've gone completely out of my mind.. And..

They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!

They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa

To the funny farm. Where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be

happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're

coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!!!

 

You thought it was a joke and so you laughed, you laughed when I had said

that loosing you would make me flip my lid.. RIGHT???

I know you laughed, I heard you laugh, you laughed you laughed and

laughed and then you left, but now you know I'm utterly mad... And..

 

 

They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa,

They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa.

To the happy home. With trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket

weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and they're

coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!

 

I cooked your food, I cleaned your house, and this is how you pay me back

for all my kind unselfish loving deeds.. Huh??

Well you just wait, they'll find you yet and when they do they'll put you

in the ASPCA, you mangy mutt!!! And...

 

They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa.

They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa.

To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy

to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're coming

to take me away, ha-haaa!!!

To the happy home, with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket

weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and they're

coming to take me away, ha-haa!!!

To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time... (fade out)

 

Hey, buddy!

Yes officer..

You a head?

No, but I'm catching up, ha ha ha....

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I have a sad story to tell you.

It may hurt your feelings a bit.

last night, when I walked in my bathroom,

I stepped in a pile of...

 

 

Shhaving cream,

Be nice and clean!

Shave every day, and you'll always look keen.

 

I think I'll break up with my girlfriend.

Her antics are queer, I'll admit.

Each time I say "Darling, I love you,"

She tells me that I'm full of...

 

Shhaving cream,

Be nice and clean!

Shave every day, and you'll always look keen.

 

A baby fell out of the window.

You'd think that her head would be split.

But good luck was with her that morning.

She fell in a barrel of...

 

Shhaving cream,

Be nice and clean!

Shave every day, and you'll always look keen.

 

When I was in France with the Army,

One day I looked into my kit.

I thought I would find me a sandwich,

But the darn thing was loaded with...

 

Shhaving cream,

Be nice and clean!

Shave every day, and you'll always look keen.

 

 

And now, folks, my story is ended.

I think it is time I should quit.

If any of you feel offended,

Stick your head in a barrel of...

 

Shhaving cream,

Be nice and clean!

Shave every day, and you'll always look keen.

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